Sagacity for The Ages

Hopefully, everyone on the planet is privy to knowing a person who is not only wise, but also one who is also sarcastic and funny and witty and clever. Yes, it’s a tough order. It’s an explosive combination, but when it happens, you have yourself a sage with some sass. Here is a list of some of the best advice I’ve ever received.

On Love: “Well, there’s a seat for every ass.”
On Getting the Job Done: “Tape ‘em up and move ‘em out.” (We think “them” are hernias.)
On Oral Hygiene: “Floss if you got ‘em.”
On Making Friends: “Whatever you do, don’t attract the a$$holes.”
On Impulse Buys: “You can never have too many rosary beads or night lights.”
On travel: “Never stay away from home more nights than you can turn your underwear inside out.”
“Beware the man who bites his nails but doesn’t wash his hands in the toilet.”
On being sentimental: “Everything is a treasure at our house.”
At parties: “Never say anything distasteful.”
On being a big shot: “Don’t write a check your a$$ can’t cover.”
“St. Francis doesn’t like it when you piss off the animals.”
“Always have a pair of slippers you can wear to get the mail.”
“If John Wayne didn’t wear it, neither will I.”
“People always want to be around me because I leave them alone.”
“If they didn’t wash their hands when they left the bathroom, don’t eat the meatballs.”
“If your dog doesn’t like someone, you shouldn’t either.”
On your golf swing: “Now you know how not to hit it.”
“When I realized that these people are dumber than my cat, I went home.”
“The loudest mouth usually has the smallest brain.”
“If you’re going to paint yourself into a corner, you better like the view.”
“What comes around goes around, and usually kicks you in the pants.”
“A good night’s sleep can solve just about anything. Even if it’s still terrible in the morning, at least you aren’t tired.”
“The best way to get knocked off a pedestal is to put yourself up there.”
“If you have to toot your own horn, maybe you’re just blocking traffic.”
“If you can’t feed ‘em, don’t breed ‘em.”