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A letter to the first boy who tried to love me after getting out of my toxic relationship

You showed up in my life out of nowhere. You found me when I was covered in fresh wounds with a shattered heart. I was in the worst shape I have ever been in. 

I don't think you knew how hurt I was at the time. At that point I was still bottling up all of my pain and hiding my wounds. For so long I had been in a relationship that almost ruined me. I was brainwashed into believing in only a painful kind of love. 

At the time you met me, I still wanted my ex back. The ex that had taken everything from me- my self worth, personality, happiness, innocence, everything. I was so attached to him, I didn't even realize how awful of a relationship I was in. 

Then you showed up. 

You came into my life when I was closed off to the world. I didn't even know how to be myself anymore. 

But you were different. When I with you, everything was different-good. Day by day you tried to help me put myself back together. Even when I pushed you away time and time again, you always came back with no hesitation. 

I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I'm sorry I couldn't love you back in the way you loved me. 

I never got to tell you this, because truth is I didn't know it until it was too late. I loved you too. 

Unfortunately for me, I didn't know what love was at the time. The only love I had known, destroyed me. 

You scared me, because you were real. You were the kind of guy that I could fall in love with and be truly happy. If I let myself love you, I knew I would have to tear down the walls I had so carefully built up over the years. 

You were there for me through it all. When I was going a million miles per hour every day, just trying to stay busy enough to avoid dealing with my pain- you kept up. If I had a free moment, you would swoop in and save me. You knew I needed time before I dealt with the storm what I had been running from. Thank you for helping me run away for a while. 

When I finally slowed down long enough to deal with the pain of my past, you were right there. I remember being hit with an overwhelming amount of pain all at once. I was a mess and didn't know how to deal with the pain I was going through. 

You saw me at my absolute worse. I remember the night that you drove all the way over because you heard I wasn't doing well. Even though I had already pushed you away again, you still came to my rescue. 

I didn't deserve you or your love. So I don't blame you for leaving me. I would have left a lot longer than you did if I were you. 

I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for treating you so poorly. I'm sorry you had to see me in such a broken manner. I'm sorry I didn't accept your love. 

I don't know where in the world you are now. It's been years since we talked. Last I heard you were in a serious relationship with a nice girl. I hope you are happy where ever you are. There is nothing more that I want than for you to find happiness.

I miss you. I had a dream last night that you showed up in. It was a great dream that filled me with such joy seeing you. 

I wish I could see you again. I wish I could hear your voice, or tell you this in person. But you deserve better than that. I won't come in and disturb your life again. But at the end of it all I just want to say I'm sorry. I really did love you, even though I wasn't able to love you back then. 

And if I could go back in time, I would hold on to you and never let go. If I could have only met you at a different time in my life, we could have been soul mates. But that didn't happen. 

With everything we went through, I hope you remember the good times. The memories that made you hold onto me for so long. 

When you think of me, think about our time at the reservoir, playing and splashing in the lake like children, having the time of our lives. Remember all the times we'd go down to the river and skip rocks, while talking about life. Remember the nights lying under the stars until the crack of dawn. Remember when I stood out to you on the beach, in the middle of a huge crowd of people. Remember my laugh, my smile, the butterflies I gave you with every glance. Remember me as the girl you loved. Remember us.