I don’t know where or when all of this got so messed up. It happened one day, and my mind can’t stop going back. Over and over again, I keep thinking about you. And I want it to stop.
I never asked you for anything but the truth. But even when you said that you told me everything, something still felt like it was being left out.
Because I told you what I wanted. I never put up any walls because I have played those games before. I learned the hard way you only end up hurting yourself. But this, this is so much worse.
Because I don’t know where we stand, what we are, what I mean to you and that kills me.
Knowing that I could be wasting more time. It’s not that I think you’re not worth it, because I know that you are. But I feel like I’m losing my mind.
All I can think about is you, who you’re with and if you’re thinking about me the way that I’m thinking about you.
I don’t want to have to keep explaining myself to you. I don’t want to keep giving you this much power because even though my mind is telling me to walk away, my heart is refusing to listen.
And I think that for once, my heart might just be right. I know that you’re trying to make sense of all this, just like I am. But words are just words and don’t mean anything until you can back them up with actions.
My heart is so heavy now, that I don’t know if it would be better to stop before I even get started.
I just want you to know the truth. So here it is.
This feeling that you’re giving me, this feeling that won’t stop pulling me back and forth, I want it gone. And if I have to lose you with it, I think I could handle it. I just don’t want to be left alone again.
And I don’t want to be caught in this in between where you have left me. Where I feel weak and helpless, where I feel like I’m losing parts and pieces of myself to you, without even noticing.
I know you said you never wanted to hurt me and that much is clear and true, but whatever it is that you’re doing now, is more than I think I can bear.
It would be easier to hate you, but we both know that it would take a lot more than unanswered phone calls, than long, unattended looks. I told you before and I’ll do it again, you got me. I don’t know how you did it, but I’m so caught up in this with no end in sight and I’m so scared.
Even though I know that this might be all for nothing, I’m scared that my heart will take more time to heal if I had to watch you walk away.
That’s not what I want. But if it’s what you do, then I guess I can take it. I can be the strong one, I can find the courage to look past you, and to let you be happy without me if that’s what you really want.
But please, don’t keep telling me one thing, making me believe in you, and then doing another. It’s just too much.
I want you to know that all I want, is for you to be happy. But whatever this is, is hurting not just me, but you too.
It’s breaking me to know that when we talk, it turns into a fight. That when we say goodbye, I almost think that we mean it. For good this time.
I want in or I want out, but I can’t do this up in the air, not sure, thing anymore. And if you can, then you’re not the man I thought you were.
Know that none of this is easy for me. To do or to say. But I also need you to know what’s really going on in my head. And I need you to listen.
The ball is in your court now, and I’m done giving you clues. I don’t want you to have to guess anymore, and I don’t want to feel this out of control anymore.
I just need you, for once, to make up your mind. Because if you don’t, I think you’re going to have to learn what losing me feels like.
As much as I want you, I also want my own peace. Everyone does. I can’t play this game anymore. I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of hurting. It’s up to you now. Just let me know.
If you’re in if you’re out. But I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to love you like this anymore.