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When Walking Away Was Our Choice

"She was powerful, not because she wasn't scared but because she went on so strongly, despite the fear."

I was ready for this, I prepared myself for weeks for our last day together. I kept reminding myself "This is what's best. We can't be truly happy with each other if we aren't happy with ourselves" and any other motivational quote you could think of. Of course I was scared to lose you, but more than that I was afraid I would never find myself.

We knew that we could be happy together, that it would be easy to be together, but we knew timing just wasn't right. We couldn't both jump from a long term relationship into our relationship with each other. We needed to learn how to be alone and be okay with that, because depending on each other for our happiness is just not fair to either of us. 

So we planned, together, to walk away. It was only see ya later, not goodbye.

I was excited to find myself, to figure out what I really enjoyed in life. Find new hobbies that were mine, to go out and not be checked on every few minutes, go back to school, figure out what career I really wanted. To be free from being attached to someone for the first time since I was 17. I was ready, and although I knew I would miss you, I could do this. I could do it because I knew you were doing the same, getting your own help, finding your own way.. and if you could do it, so could I.

Because I deserve the best version of you, and you deserve the best version of me. 

This was what I kept on repeat in my mind anytime I thought I couldn't do this. I was a lost person who constantly needed to feel loved from everyone else, but never really loved who I was. You were a lost person yourself, looking for temporary fixes for your needs in all the wrong places. We were broken and it was not up to us to fix each other. We needed to fix ourselves. I deserve your love when you are capable of loving someone for real, and you deserve mine, because no one could ever love you more. We deserved to find out how great and how much potential we actually have inside of us. 

Some days the hurt hits harder than usual…

and the pain that I have from the realization that I am alone, I am without you, is sometimes unbearable. There are still nights I just cry, because more than anything I want your arms around me. I want to feel safe. I want to feel the calm that you brought to my life. I want you. There are so many times throughout the day I just want to simply text you and tell you something funny, an inside joke, or just tell you I'm thinking of you.

But that's not an option, not yet.

I can't have space in my mind for missing you all the time. I can't leave room for the replaying of our conversations. I need to learn how to be without you, I need to learn to be with me. Because if we were to be together now, as we are, it would be a train wreck waiting to happen. I want us to last. I want us to work. I want us

So as painful as some days may be, as hard as it is to do day by day without you, we are going to make it. We are going to be great people at the end of this. And we are going to just be. It will be the beginning of an amazing adventure together. 

Until then, see ya later my dear.