Delivery food is the best thing to ever be created, and I will stand by that statement. Indoor plumbing? Cool, I guess. Life-saving vaccines? Those are pretty awesome, too, but nothing beats the invention that is paying somebody to cook your food and bring it to your doorstep. The only thing that would make delivery food better is if the guy dropping it off would feed it to me so that I could play Candy Crush Saga while chowing down on a slice of pizza. As a big fan of ordering food for delivery, I have come to notice the typical stages of the process that one must endure.

Stage 1: Decisions, Decisions

You have to decide where to order from, what it is you want to order and how much of it you want to have in your house. The move is to always order more than you need, because we are America and America is all about excess.

Stage 2: “Hi, yes, for delivery please.”

Making the phone call for delivery is something you must do shamelessly. Yeah, you may be ordering 2 large pizzas for yourself, but the lady taking your order doesn’t need to do that. They key to a successful phone call is to say please after literally everything you say and to speak slowly and clearly. This makes ordering food while drunk a difficult task, but it is still one that can be accomplished.

Stage 3: Cash Or Card?

You really just have to decide which one will make you feel less poor when you are ordering.

Stage 4: Excitement

Once you’ve hung up you run around the room in anticipation for the delicious food that is about to be in and around your mouth. You jump up and down and rejoice that you don’t have to cook your meal. This excitement is beneficial, because you can use all the cardio as possible since you’re about to indulge in greasy, delicious delivery food.

Stage 5: Antsy-ness

Once you finally settle down you begin to realize that it has been a while since you called. You check your call record to see just how long it has been, and you pick an appropriate time (one hour and 15 minutes since you ordered) to call back and check on your food’s status.

Stage 6: Paranoia

You really start thinking that they completely forgot about you. Or that maybe they forgot your address. Perhaps they got your address wrong. Maybe they got lost along the way. Wherever they are and whatever they are doing, you are paranoid that your food is never, ever coming.

Stage 7: Empty Threats

You start pacing back and forth and start telling yourself that you are going to demand that your next meal be free. You have a whole speech prepared for the delivery guy that starts with a passage from the Declaration of Independence and ends with Urban Dictionaries definition of “heinous.”

Stage 8: The Long-Awaited Phone Call

As you are in the midst of the empty threat stage, you are interrupted by the sound of your phone ringing. Could it be…? Is it…? YES! It’s an unknown number! It must be the delivery guy saying they have arrived! About damn time!

Stage 9: The Exchange

You open the door and make random conversation about the weather while you exchange your money for the food.

Stage 10: Pure Bliss

Once your door is closed and you are alone with your food, you cannot help but smile as you inhale the warm, decadent food that is now all yours. Time to sit down, bust out the plastic utensils they provided and feast.