Both men and women have gotten so freakishly weird that snatching up someone who is merely‘passable’ can be a real ordeal. That said, it’s also true that we’re all hypersensitive to things and that we have a long list of demands that our future partners need to meet.
Here’s just a sample of what I have on that list:
● Has to be employed (‘artists’ will go through rigorous screening)
● Can’t live with their parents
● Only one ex-spouse permitted
● No smoking, ever
● Preferably not a serial killer(will gloss over that one for the right person)
It’s a rather long list but I decided to share the highlights with you. I know you have your own and I don’t want to give you any more ideas or you might end up being single forever.
However, where do we draw the line?
I went out with a great guy last year. It was more or less semi-casual and it lasted about five months. He did all the right things (and said all the right things, too). Still, something about him didn’t sit quite right. There was a whiff of cakes and cookies on him all the time;his place smelled like a real patisserie (and he has never used that built-in oven in his life, I checked ); he received packages almost daily, and so on.
Of course, I just assumed he was an undercover French pastry chef. In retrospect, that’s what I actually hoped for. Still, the truth was slightly different.
He was, in fact, a vaper!
7 Signs That Say ‘Yep, I’m AVaper’
In any case, we’re no longer together but hisvaping had nothing to do with it (the way he nickeled-and-dimed every time hehad to take out his wallet did). Still, I learned a great deal about spotting undercover vapers in those five months and Iwanted to share a couple of nuggets of wisdom with you. Primarily, I’m sharingthem so you don’t make an erroneous ‘French pastry chef’ assumption as I did -I’m still mending that particular heartbreak.
Secondly, I’m sharing this so you know that vaping isn’t the worst thing your significant other could be doing. They’re not a serial killer. They’re not breaking into and robbing bakeries and cake shops. And they’re not a smoker, which should be everyone’s deal-breaker.
They Smell Funny All the Time
This one was a real head-scratcher for me. Imean, the guy would one day smell like a strawberry muffin and the next hewould reek of custard pie. I remember thinking that he has a really funky tastein aftershave fragrances. Occasionally, I would smell bananas on him, orblueberries, which just added to the confusion.
Next time your date shows up smelling of baked goods, don’t assume they were stuffing their face up to that point. A more reasonable assumption would be that they just took the last puff on their e-cigarette before putting it away and walking into the restaurant.
If You Find a Syringe In TheirHome, Don’t Panic
I know, it’s pretty easy to say ‘Don’t Panic’,although, that’s exactly what I did when I first encountered one in this guy’sapartment. It was just sitting there, on the table - as if there’s nothing atall odd about a syringe being on a dining room table. I remember thinking ‘OhGod, he’s a diabetic, poor guy’ for a split second, before a horrifying thoughtentered my brain: ‘He’s a drug addict!’
He was neither, of course. As I later witnessed,some vapers tinker with making their own vape juices (the substance that gets vaporized - don’t ask me too much, I don’t get it, either). Since that’s a pretty delicate procedure that involves milliliters of flavors, a syringe is a must-have tool. So if you see one, take a few deep breaths and look for small bottles of flavorings - cocoa, caramel, banana, rum, that sort of thing. If there are no flavorings around and you happen to find a needle….well, here’s to hoping that they’re a phlebotomist in training, right?
I Have One Word For You - Bulge
Sorry, I just have to point this out!
Most vape devices look like pens and they are actually called vape pens. Now, if a guy was to put that pen into his front pocket, it looks really creepy. However, it’s even creepier if it’s a pants-loving girl that’s doing the same thing. That just opens up a whole different can of worms and if you’re an unsuspecting kind of a guy, there’s potential there for some mental scarring.
As I’ve said though, it’s probably just their vape pen so don’t go ballistic straight away. If the bulge changes sides occasionally, you’re probably not dating a weirdo. Probably.
They’re Smoking...But Not SmokingHot
Since vaping became mainstream, you can bewalking down the street and see smoke coming out of people’s coats. The firsttime I saw it I quickly proceeded to vigorously pat down a very confused andscared elderly lady before being dragged off her by my date. He explained thatshe didn’t spontaneously combust, as I suspected, but that she was just‘stealth vaping’.
Yep, ‘stealth vaping’ is a thing. Essentially,it’s when vapers don’t want to draw attention to themselves so they take a quick puff and blow the vapor in a downward direction. It works like a charm during the winter, when their coats act as an extra layer of protection that masks their actions. The problem arises when the vapor starts coming out of that coat, giving the appearance of them being on fire. So, if you happen to glance at your date and they’re enveloped in vapor (which looks EXACTLY like smoke), assume vape first, spontaneous combustion second.
Their Place Looks Like a TurkishBath
I remember dropping by this guy’s apartment oneday only to find a thick layer of fog inside. It wasn’t smoke because there wasthat lingering smell of baked goods but I couldn’t identify what it was. Hemade up some lame excuse about burning something in the oven, opened a windowto air the place, and basically shooed me out of the apartment saying somethingabout a great coffee place just around the corner. Frankly, I was happy to getout of that weird sauna.
Weeks later, he told me he was trying out his new‘cloud-chasing’ vape device. Apparently, some vape devices can produce so much vapor that they can compete with a small steam engine. Next time you walk into a situation like this, check for the suspicious pocket bulge or under the sofa - a vape device will be close by.
Spare Batteries Everywhere
You just have to wonder about some things whenyour date keeps pulling out spare batteries every time they’re digging throughtheir pockets looking for keys. They have no visible headphones on them, youhope that that bulge in their pocket isn’t really a vibrator, and there isn’t aremote control anywhere in sight - what could those batteries be for?
The answer is - their vape device. Vapes are convenient and practical but the sad truth is that the batteries don’t last nearly as long as you might think. Think your phone dies ridiculously fast? Try a vape pen - it sucks the soul out of battery in a flash. Oh, and one last piece of advice - if your date really is keeping spare batteries in the same pocket as their keys, they are proving Darwin right. If 11 o’clock news is to be believed, spare batteries and keys don’t mix (kaboom?), so get them to invest in a silicone battery holder.
Their Paycheck Lasts for Five Days, Tops
It’s not as if you pry into your date’s finances,but it’s kind of difficult not to notice that they seem to be consistentlybroke. It’s weird, especially when they have a decently paying job. The patterngoes something like this - they get paid, they spend six hours staring at theircomputer screen, and, three days later, packages start pouring in. The factthat they are on the first name basis with every delivery guy should also be ared flag.
No, they’re not paying ridiculous amounts in alimony - they are ordering vape gear! It’s actually called vape mail and it makes vapers absolutely giddy with joy. They can easily burn through $ 500 in one sitting ordering various devices and vape juices. The only equivalent to it would be girls and shoes, which means that girl vapers are probably maxing out their credit cards every single month.
There you have them - noticeable signs that the person you dig is walking around with their head in the clouds, quite literally. As I’ve said, this shouldn’t immediately make them undateable. I have since amended my dating policy so it doesn’t eliminate vapers straight off the bat. I have to give people some leeway, otherwise I’ll be single for the foreseeable future. The way I figure it, at least they’re blowing vapor and not smoke.