Call me unromantic but I’ll take down-to-earth guidance over flowery flip-flap any day.
If it’s on Pinterest, I don’t want to hear it.
You can keep your inspirational quote collection.
There are no soft landings when it comes to hardcore love.
When I have romantic quandaries of my own, I turn to the one group of people that I know will always have my back, support me and reassure me that I’m not crazy: internet strangers, and celebrities.
They always know just what to say and they never judge me.
This is mainly because they don’t know me.
Their sage words have helped me immeasurably over the years so it’s only right that I share their wisdom.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
Comedian Jeni spanked the nail on the head with this one.
All the best relationships are built on a foundation of half-truths, designed to keep each other happy.
It’s impossible to be honest all the time, especially when your boyfriend asks whether you like the eggs he’s just made you.
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
We all know that Woody has a way with words.
But here he is showing remarkable insight into casual dating and basically inventing Tinder roughly 40 years ahead of time.
When choosing sexual partners, remember talent is not sexually transmittable.
I slavishly adhere to anything that comes out of Tina Fey’s mouth but I can wholly endorse this sentiment with empirical evidence of my own.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
So true. *rolls eyes*
Never trust a man wearing more than zero necklaces.
If Twitter was a game of ‘Who’s the funniest’… actually that’s exactly what Twitter is.
Anyway, Audrey Farnsworth has won; so let’s all go home.
This pearl of wisdom is the perfect balance between hilarious and ominously true.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
How many marriages could have been saved if the couple had tried searching for kitten videos on Safari first?
If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.
Heed US comedian Peretti.
An emoji does not a relationship make.
Not even the Winky Ghost.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Maura is a contributor to The Onion and, when not acing Twitter, possibly moonlights as the world’s most brilliant relationship counsellor.
I couldn’t agree more with her take on the trials and tribulations of modern love – namely, that I want to know the s*** that’s going down in other peoples’ lives.