I am honored to present the newest addition to the "Day in the Mind" series. DeAnna Hill of The Outnumbered Nest, shares a day in her wake as a courageous woman that has endured the cruelty of verbal abuse in the home.
6:30 a.m. Getting the kids awake and to school thankfully keeps my mind at bay. It’s a blessing at times to be so busy, to be able to forget things that have taken hold of me, and things that I try not to think about, so the mornings are peaceful but as the day goes on the thoughts always come back…
9:00 a.m. “Have a great day. I love you.” A simple text, many people wouldn’t think twice about. A reminder that I have someone who loves me, just because of who I am. It’s not all day silence worrying about how bad of a mood he’ll be in when he gets home. It’s a text to keep my spirits up, and not one that tears me down, those I have received too many times. I’m just going to find someone better. That is what I used to receive, one upon a time for no reason at all.
3:00 p.m. The kids have had fun today. They’ve painted and made plenty of messes. I’ve tried to stay caught up, I really have. The thought of being worthless at anything pops into my thoughts, but I try to quickly dismiss it. You’ll never be a good enough. The thoughts continue to come. The laundry keeps pilling up, because the baby keeps eating and we all still keep changing clothes. I know I should be more on top of it, this is your job, your supposed to be able to do this.
5:00 p.m. “It’s okay. He won’t be mad.” I remind myself for the thirtieth time in the past twenty minutes, after I realized I had accidently burnt dinner. The baby had been crying, he had a massive explosion diaper, and he had to have a quick bath. I hadn’t set the timer on the stove, and I hadn’t kept track of time. The sweet potatoes had burnt and my husband would be home any minute. I knew he wouldn’t care, he never did, but my mind still remembers when someone else would have.
6:00 p.m. Bumping into my husband, on accident, as I rush by him with the laundry I’m still trying to catch up on him. I quickly recoil and tell him, “I’m sorry.” But he kisses me and tells me, “There is no reason to be sorry.” Saying sorry is ingrained in me now; it was because I once had to say it all the time.
8:00 p.m. Thankfully every night after the children are in bed, my husband listens for them and I run away to take my very long 30-minute shower. When I look at the mirror, I remind myself that my husband thinks I am gorgeous. He wouldn’t want me any other way. He loves my curves and my body after giving birth to the kids. The stretch marks that have become a permanent reminder that I once grew life, he cherishes because without them we wouldn’t have the kids. I know he loves them, but my mind still remembers the time when someone thought my body wasn’t perfect enough.
10:00 p.m. The bed is calling and so are my husband’s comforting arms. I snuggle in close and say a quick thank you to the man upstairs, the one which blessed me with enough strength and curouage to leave. The one who gave me a wonderful man, who loves me and understands that some days my mind is cruel, to no fault of his own.
Mental abuse is hard to explain, and every day is a different challenge. Sometimes it’s the simple feeling of not being good enough because you have been told so many times that you weren’t. Other times it is literally breaking down in the bathroom because you burnt supper. It may be the fear of something that once happened, even though you know that it won’t now. The remarks, some that were made so subtly most would have ignored them, are the ones that remain as scars. Scars on the mind that won’t ever go away. There aren’t any bandages for them. But with time, and a handful of supportive people, you can get better and you can get past it.
About the Author:
DeAnna is a 25 year old stay at home mom and proud wife. She is the owner at The Outnumbered Nest (theoutnumberednest.com) , where she hopes to help inspire others to help other’s find positivity and purpose through faith, marriage, and parenting.
Be sure to check her out!
Website: www.theoutnumberednest.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/theoutnumberednest
Twitter: @outnumberednest
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