The other day I realized something, I realized just how high maintenance I am in a relationship, no mater how many times I try denying it. This was alarming, but onlysomewhat. I say somewhat because, deep down, I know without a doubt this istrue. I am needy and crave attention But at the same time, I have so much togive. It is an interesting dilemma.
I have given it some thought andbroken down some of the elements of what makes me emotionally high maintenance,at least in my opinion. I highly suspect there are many others out there likemyself, or maybe I am just telling myself that to feel better?
I am emotionally high maintenancebecause I want to text you and talk to you throughout the day – every day. I donot text you to keep tabs on you – I want the meat, the depth, the every detailof your day. I care about what is happening at work, which customer is beingstupid, which TV show you watched on your lunch break. It is these small thingsthat mean the most to me. A simple text saying, “I love you.” can turn a wholeday around. I am emotionally high maintenance because I am hurt when you ignoreme, even if you are genuinely busy. I wish I was not this way, but it is simplyhow I am.
I am emotionally high maintenancebecause I constantly (to the point where I am probably annoying) ask things ofyou. I ask for reassurance, I ask for love, I ask for attention. I ask amillion questions about that girl you went on one date with a million years agobecause I secretly feel threatened even though you’ve given me no reason toworry (“But why did she text you a picture of a salad? Is she still into you?”).Our past relationships shape us, no matter how badly we want to leave thembehind. In the past when I asked for these things from others, I receivednothing, but that is different now. You give me an inch, and now I am going totake the whole damn mile.
I am emotionally high maintenancebecause I compartmentalize my emotions. Rather than settling with one general feeling,I allow the context of whatever situation I am in to twist my emotions andbring out the best, and the worst. I spend time with my boyfriend – happy. Ithen go straight to my job and feel bored – unhappy. I can be talking about howexcited I am for something, and the next minute be ranting about a crazycoworker and be near tears. I can see how this would be exhausting for othersto have to listen to, but this is just how I am wired.
The term “high maintenance”usually has negative connotations. When we think of someone who is highmaintenance in terms of his or her appearance, we think of someone who isdressed to the 9’s, constantly aiming for perfection, always trying to maintainand improve an image. I guess in the same way, that is what I am trying to dowith my feelings.
I know there is no such thing asperfect, but I want to be the best girlfriend I possibly can – I am aiming forperfection. I am always striving to make others happy, to impress. My emotionsmay be exhausting, but they are raw, and real, and at the end of the day, Iwould rather give too much, push too much, nag too much, ask too many questions,than regret not saying what is on my mind and how I feel and because of this Iam okay being high maintenance.