Mothers Day...an amazing day to celebrate the life and love between you and the greatest person in your life. Your mom has given up everything for you. She's made countless sacrifices and loved you unconditionally no matter what. Of course there should be a day to celebrate her.
Well unfortunately for those of us who have lost a mother, this day still exists, and is no longer a day to be happy, excited and celebrate. This is actually one of the most dreaded days of the year for us.
For me, my anxiety started right around the first Mothers Day without my mom. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle that every single store I had to walk in for weeks and sometimes months before, had to be a slap in the face that I didn't have a mom. I couldn't walk through an isle of Walmart, Target or CVS without being reminded that this was the first year that I no longer had my mother.
I couldn't take it. It got to the point that I literally wouldn't even go to these stores because I just couldn't handle it. I did not need a constant reminder everywhere I went of my new reality. It wasn't fair.
Even hanging out with my friends brought up issues. For weeks leading up to Mother's Day I remember people talking about what their plans were and asking each other what they got their mom's. "Hello.... I'm right here, remember me the girl whose mom died!?!?!" You can't expect everyone else's life to stop because you went through things.. and you can't expect that these things aren't going to come up in conversation.. but it still sucks.
Mother's Day would come around and it's so awkward figuring out how to spend the day. Just because my mom isn't here... my dad's mom still is. So he of course would go spend the day with her. All of my family would head to my grandmas house and spend the day there. Thats fine, my grandmas great, actually she's wonderful... but that doesn't take away the void that I am the only one sitting in the house on Mother's Day without a mom.
So I created my own Mother's Day traditions. I would spend the day doing things that my mom and I used to do together, but instead do them alone. I'll have lunch at the cemetery. I'll go shopping. I'll do all things that mom loved.
It's okay to need to be alone
I have learned that this is one day a year, nobody can do anything right. Regardless of who it is, they need to steer clear of me on Mother's Day. I am anxious, I am sad and I am confused. I am still learning and trying to figure out how to do this.. and therefore I need my space. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better, but that's okay. I have found my own ways to make peace with this day.
This day never seems to get easier
I am going on my fourth Mother's Day without my mom and it is still the most dreaded day of the year. It's a day that I still take off from work and make sure to completely clear my schedule. I still avoid the isles of stores that are going to be flaunting in my face the reality that I don't have a mom. I still walk away from conversation when the topic of Mother's Day plans comes up. I have also accepted, that this is okay.
It's okay to be sad
It's okay to be miserable
It's okay to lock yourself in your room and cry and scream if you want to
It's okay to not be okay
This day will never be easy for us.
But that doesn't mean we are weak
It's another day to remind us of how strong we really are and that we can overcome this.... just like we've overcome everything else. And, our mom's will guide us every step of the way.
And... it's only one day a year & it will be over tomorrow.
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I have found so much support from the “Motherless Daughters” Facebook page. It is a great group for woman whose mothers have died! So thank you. The link is below for anyone interested!