I don’t regret anything. In the moments that you were the closest thing to mine as any guy had ever been, I was at my happiest.
But knowing what I know now, a year ago I would have said no because now I’m stuck with this lingering broken heart.
In the time that you were mine and the months following you unquestionably breaking my heart, I learned so much. Growing in ways, I didn't think was even possible after heartbreak.
My appreciation for certain qualities in the people I keep around me has strengthened; because your personality was magnetic and warm. I’ve learned to accept the attention I deserve, not just everything that comes my way. You helped me become more confident in who I am and what you showed me that makes me unique.
No matter where I looked, I could never find that right person who could tackle the barriers around my heart. In front of you, I melted... completely and entirely melted. I could count on one hand the number of people who knew what you so effortlessly pulled out of me. Helping and comforting me in the process.
But I still would have said no for one simple reason. The gut-wrenching, soul-crushing heartbreak that doesn’t seem to want to go away.
I know heartbreak is inevitable. I know I’m bound to get my heart broken a few times before I find the right guy, but I would have saved this pain for someone who was actually mine - for someone who gave their all and someone I could give my all to in return.
This has been the worst kind of heartache. I’m not mourning a love that once was; I’m muddling through mixed emotions and actions and asking myself if what you said and how you treated me was nothing more than you just being nice and wanting the attention.
I would have said no because maybe then we would have had a chance to be something real.
I would have stayed just your friend and nothing more. Saving myself from this never-ending sadness.
I naively thought that I was careful enough not to begin something with someone unless I knew I was capable of handling it. And I honestly thought I could. But as the months went on, I felt like I was finally home. For the first time, I felt safe. And I haven’t been able to find that since.
I don’t know if it’s worse to have known that feeling and lost it or to have never known it at all. Because now, I don’t know how to find it in another person. I don’t know how to break down this wall that grew even stronger after you left.
You showed me I wasn’t broken but then shattered my heart all over again.
Now I’ve become the person breaking people’s hearts because I can’t get to the level they reach in the relationship. My heart hits a roadblock.
I am up and walking, going about my everyday life. I laugh, I cry and everything in between. From the outside, I’m fully functioning.
But my heart is paralyzed.
It’s not numb – I can feel everything, deeply. But it can’t move on.
Right now I feel forever stuck - lingering between heartache and the slightest amount of peace. And I'm learning how to live with it all.
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