I woke up this morning without you on my mind. I’ve gone a week, sometimes even more than that, not thinking about you nearly as much as I usually do. A week of not going back to the beginning and replaying every moment and memory and remembering ones I had forgotten about.
But then out of nowhere a new song comes on and I am a mess of tears, cursing at Spotify and its ridiculously accurate Discover Weekly playlist it had created for me. Somehow a music streaming service was able to find a song that I swear I could have written myself. One filled with so much raw emotion that it pulls me back from any progress I have made from moving on from you.
Déjà vu. That’s the only thing I can think about as you’re sprinting through my mind once again.
It’s stupid. It makes me feel stupid. For letting a boy have such a hold on my heart.
I swear I’m trying to get over you but I can’t and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why my heart wants to feel this pain anymore. But I can’t escape no matter where I try to go. And replaying me losing you over and over again is killing me.
It all comes back to me as if it had been just yesterday that I was wrapped in your arms. Your intoxicated smell still lingering in my nose. Your laugh still ringing in my ears. I can still feel your warmth and your touch – as if you weren’t ever going to let me go. Even though you did.
And I hate to admit that you’re still all I want, all I see - all I need. I shouldn’t feel this way anymore. I shouldn’t. It’s been months.
It’s been months since you shattered what was left of my already scarred up heart. And I’ve tried every day since trying to stitch it back up again. But my hands are getting tired. I’m ready to get off this emotional bullet train speeding down a track with no clear path.
Because it feels like the second you know I’m actually getting over you, you make your way back in. As if you just know. And it is beyond confusing.
You show up out of nowhere. We hang out and text nearly every day. Just for you to disappear again in the blink of an eye.
How am I supposed to deal with that? What am I supposed to do with that?
What I do is pick up my needle and thread, and continue stitching up my heart once again. Sometimes having to go back over the areas that started fraying during your brief moments back in my life. The ones that will probably happen here again. The ones that hold so much hope in our story.
The part of me that believes our story is not quite over with, the part of me that still burns. Its flame not flickering quite as bright, but it’s there.
I ignore it most of the time because I have to. It’s what I have to do, to not find myself constantly sitting in my car, crying and cursing at Spotify.
Because I know it will always come back to you, I’m just having to learn how to live life with that.
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