I have only learned about love from those who never loved me. Needing reassurance isn’t because I fail to trust, it’s because I’ve been hurt too many times and need to know that you won’t be the same.
It’s a difficult thing, to find someone who truly wants you as much as you want them. Anxiety mixes the emotions of my life so much sometimes, that I have no idea what I’m feeling at all. I feel heavy and lost in a world I don’t seem to understand anymore. I let you in on these crushing thoughts so you can push them away and show me the truth that surrounds us.
My anxiety isn’t that I can’t love you, it’s that I will love something so much and be left empty. My reassurance isn’t because I don’t trust you, it’s because so many others couldn’t understand me that I can’t comprehend how you still smile at me after every kiss.
I will never fit in with what is considered ‘normal’ in this world, and I’m glad. I live a life that I try to keep as authentic and true in what seems like a very fake world, and because of that, I love as authentic and as truly as I can. Loving a girl who needs reassurance won’t be empty, you see, a day will never go by that I won’t say “I love you” and mean it, hoping you will never have to question your place in my life.
I will be patient with you, and understanding of things I may not be able to always understand. I will be calm in hectic situations if you ask me to be, and I will listen to the early hours of the morning if that’s what it takes to calm your mind. I ask that you remain patient with me when I ask a year from now if you still love me, and be understanding when I voice a fear of mine that makes absolutely no sense.
Every time you are able to hold my hand and squeeze me back into reality, it’s just more proof that you are the one for me, that the feeling of you holding my heart isn’t scary, but comforting. Loving a girl like me who needs reassurance will never be a chore, because every day you do, is a day that my love for you grows and can be shown with no barriers of fear.
It’s taking me a long time that being hurt and learning to love is the beauty of being human, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t scary. I will always be honest with you, and being vulnerable will come with time. The more you give to me, the more I will be able to share with you.
I have found you, I have found that I love, and it’s time I let go of the parts of me that hurt me- that hurt my possibility of happiness and let them heal. I know that healing takes time, but in that time of healing, I will become the person I have meant to be all along.
Loving a girl who needs reassurance isn’t a chore, it’s a journey. It’s a journey of self-love and the birth of confidence, it is the forming of a team we were meant to be all along. Hemingway wrote that we are all broken, and that’s how the light gets in. With your support and reassurance I will know that it’s okay pieces of me are broken, that it’s okay to let your light in, and in those spaces, I too, will fill you with light.