I have spent my entire life seeking your approval, waiting for you to let me know that I was enough for you and that I mattered. I do not think you will ever know just how much you have hurt me and just how deep that hurt runs. I like to tell myself that it is because you don't know how to love or tell myself that you love me the only way you know how but let's get real here; that is a bullshit story I made up in my mind to soften the blow, to try to make it hurt a little less and to just make it through.
Every little girl just wants to be Daddy's Little Girl. While I realize that is everything I have ever wanted, I realize even more that being that to you is everything you would never deliver. Not because you couldn't but because you don't want to. You see, you made a conscious choice to walk away from us. You can blame it on my Mom or blame it on whatever you want but reality is you MADE that choice.
I have cried myself to sleep a lot and woke up with tear stained pillows. I tried to hide it because I didn't want others to think that I was weak so I would flip my pillows over or change the pillow cases to get rid of any sign that I laid in bed at night with tears streaming down my cheeks.
It's sad really, not for me anymore. I don't need your acceptance or approval nor do I want to feel enough for you anymore. I feel sorry for you because not only did you miss out on a pretty fantastic daughter but you have missed out on watching your grandchildren grow from innocent babies to amazing teens. Their faith in you is about as strong as mine. To be honest, it's nonexistent.
You've always put yourself, your money and whatever else boosted your ego ahead of what truly matters in life.
You play the "Dad" card well with others. They think you hung the moon and are just this awesome Dad who loves his children and grandchildren more than anything. Sadly, I just let them go on and on about how amazing you are. You have no idea how many times I wanted to pop that bubble so that you couldn't live in the facade that you have created for yourself. However, hurting you wasn't going to help me any.
You never liked the "men" I dated. You always told me how you thought they were so terrible and don't get me wrong the majority of them were. It is funny that you don't see how closely they matched you. How their character flaws are your character flaws and how I consistently ended up in relationships with men who only played the role of a man and only played the role of someone who cared. I now see that those "men" were identical to you in so many ways because I always felt I was never enough for them too. Don't get me wrong, I have dated some really amazing men but those were the ones I let go and pushed away.
I have always felt a piece of me was missing. What I have come to realize is that I have a lot of men in my life who love me dearly, men who stepped up to the plate when you stepped out. I was so busy clinging to the hope that we would have that father-daughter bond that I failed to see just how many men I have in my life that love me and truly want the best for me. I never have to do anything to be enough for them. I never have to prove myself to them but for so long I have felt the need to do exactly that.
I am putting myself back together and that one piece that I just didn’t know where it fit; the piece of me that I have been at war with for so long is no longer a valid piece in my life. It doesn’t really fit into the puzzle of who I want to be anymore. It has taken most of my adult life to get to this point and I am not angry. Oddly, I feel emotionally detached from the situation now.
I have spent countless hours trying to be enough for you only to realize that no matter what I did, that was never going to be a reality. I think the last time you saw me, you knew that after all this time trying and crying, that I was finally done with you. I think you finally realized that I have come to a point in my life where I made a decision about our "relationship" or lack thereof.
I don’t hate you. I truly don’t. Hatred is a burden that I just don’t want to bear. It creates a void in my life and it hurts me more than it could ever hurt you. Cycles don't break unless you break them and I have spent way too much time in this cycle of my life.
I am finding my way and that way doesn’t include trying to be enough for the one man that I should never have had to try to be enough for. After all this time, I have finally realized that I don't need to try to be enough for you or anyone.
I am enough and I always have been.