Every little girl just wants to be "daddy's little girl."
While I realize that's everything I've ever wanted, I know that you could never deliver. Not because you can't be that dad, but because you don't want to.
I've spent my entire life seeking your approval, waiting for you to let me know that I was enough for you and that I mattered. I don't think you'll ever know just how much you've hurt me and just how deep that hurt runs.
I wasted so much time waiting for you to love me.
I like to tell myself that you just don't know how to love or that you do love me in your own way...but let's get real here: it's bullshit. It's a story I made up in my mind to soften the blow...to try to make it hurt a little less so I can make it through the pain.
You see, you made a conscious choice to walk away. You can blame it on my Mom or blame it on whatever you want but the reality is, you made that choice.
I've cried myself to sleep so many nights that most of my pillows are forever tear stained. For so long, I tried to hide my crying because I didn't want others to think that I was weak. I would flip my pillows over and pretend that everything was fine.
You've always put yourself, your money, and whatever else boosted your ego ahead of what truly matters in life.
You play the "Dad" card well with others. They think you hung the moon and the stars... that you're just this awesome Dad who loves his children more than anything.
I let them go on and on about how amazing you are, but you have no idea how many times I wanted to pop that bubble and ruin the facade that you've created for yourself. Hurting you wouldn't help me though.
You know how you never liked the "men" I dated? How you always told me how you thought they were so terrible? It's funny that you don't see how closely all of them matched you.
You were so blind to how their character flaws are your character flaws and how I consistently ended up in relationships with men who only pretend to care. I always felt I was never enough for them too....
I felt that way until I decided that enough was enough. no one should have that kind of power over me, whether it was my father or my boyfriend. I decided to stand up and start over.
Slowly, I've been putting myself back together and building myself up again.
I've been taking all the broken parts of me and building them up stronger than before...but there's always that one piece that I just don’t know where to fit. It doesn’t really fit into the puzzle of who I want to be anymore, so I'm putting it aside.
I finally realize that no matter what I do, nothing will change the state of our relationship. I think the last time you saw me, you knew that I was finally done with you. I think you finally realized that I've come to a point in my life where I made a decision about our "relationship" or lack thereof.
You're the puzzle piece that no longer fits in my life, and you know it.
It's okay because I've come to realize that I have a lot of men in my life who love me dearly. They're the men who stepped up to the plate when you stepped out. All this time, I was so busy clinging to the hope that we would have a father-daughter bond one day, that I failed to see just how many people love me.
Unlike you, they truly want the best for me. I never have to do anything to be enough for them. I never have to prove myself to them. I finally see that they're all I need in this life.
I'm finding my own way, and it doesn’t include you. It doesn't include trying to be enough for the one man that I should've never had to fight for love from. After all this time, I've finally realized that I don't need to try to be enough for you...or anyone else for that matter.
I don’t hate you.
Hatred is a burden that I just don’t want to bear. It creates a void in my life and it hurts me more than it could ever hurt you. They say that cycles don't break unless you break them and I've spent way too much time stuck in this cycle of my life.
I don't need your acceptance or approval. I feel sorry for you because you missed out on a pretty fantastic daughter. You'll never see her go through the rest of her life, and you'll never know your grandchildren. It's sad really, but not for me anymore, because...
I now know that I am enough and I always have been.