I wish you could see through my eyes, so that maybe you would have a bit of a better understanding of why I am how I am. You tell me you care, that you will always be there, but how true is that?
Will you always love me through my bad days? Or will you only care during the good days? Can I trust you to always be by my side? Or will you leave like everyone else? I’m not perfect, we both know this, but you can tell that I’m trying.
You see, we have an understanding, we all have been through some hard times in our life, but you have always been able to see the good in everything, I’ve only ever known what it’s like to be negative, until you appeared in my life.
While you all changed my life a lot, more so for the better than the worse, you’ve seen my depression hit rock bottom quite a few times, you’ve picked me up when I wanted to just give up and drown in my self pity.
You may have faced depression in the past, but it wasn’t the kind of depression that I face on a daily basis. Sure you said you had those moments of ending your life, same as I have, but I face the depression on a daily basis, and have anxiety on top of it.
I’m sorry if there are times where I push you away, I know it hurts you, and I never mean to hurt you, believe me.
Depression isn’t just something one can “get over” or be “snapped out of”, I had to go to therapy at one point, and for a while it helped me, knowing I could talk to someone who wouldn’t judge me. Then, after moving, I sunk into a depression because I was alone with no friends.
You know all about my past, how people treated me, how I wish I could die at one point. You still love me even now.
I don’t need to snap out of it, I need the love, I need to know that even though I may screw up at times, that I can count on you to be there through the good and the bad. I need to know that I can always trust you, no matter what happens.
I need the support, the reassurance that it's okay that I'm not perfect. I need to be able to have the right people in my life. I want to be able to be myself, even with how imperfect I am. I've had so much bad happen in my life, that I need positive support, not negative support, or told that I will never get better.
The only time depression doesn’t get to me, is when I’m asleep. When I’m asleep, nothing hurts me, or makes me feel useless or worthless.
However, when I’m awake, I feel like a walking talking zombie. I feel like every day is a repeat of the day before. I feel numb some days, but full of energy other days.
I’d love to be this happy girl you see me as, but it’s all an act some days, however when I’m truly around you, I can’t help but be truly happy and smiling, you bring out the best in me and the girl I used to be.
I can’t thank you enough for standing by me each and every day though, even when I try to push you away. You let me know you aren’t going anywhere, and that I’m not alone in this battle with my depression.
While depression is something I can’t get over like I’d love to, it defines me and makes me the unique wonderful woman I am, because, I get through each day with a smile on my face, and don’t let the depression win.