Every year my world comes to a crashing stop on the same day.
The day that will always be one of the worst days of my life.
It’s as though the universe knows what was taken from me that day and wants me to remember every little thing possible.
It wants me to feel the pain of losing you all over again. It wants me to feel the heart shattering, soul-crushing pain of having to remember the amazing person that’s no longer in my life.
But I’ve become accustomed to the pain. It’s like an old friend I now carry around with me.
I can bear the pain of my chest clutching together the broken pieces of my heart.
I can tolerate the feeling of my stomach dropping as I realize all the things you missed over the previous year.
I can even make it through feeling as though my heart is stopping, the air is being sucked out of my lungs, and my soul is withering away.
I can get through all of that because the pain is good.
The pain has become my friend...
It was left to take your place, and while I’m nowhere near as fond of it as I was you, it does comfort me in a strange way.
The pain proves that you weren’t just some figment of my imagination, made to make my life seem better.
It reminds me just how real you were. Just how wonderful and important you were to me.
It reminds me of just how much you brought into my life. Of how much happiness, kindness, comfort and love you gave to me. Of how much of an impact you had on myself and everyone around you.
The pain brings me back to you.
Back to the memories. Back to the feelings. Back to a time when you were in my life.
Back to a time when my heart wasn’t so shattered. Back when my soul wasn’t as beaten and tattered. To a time when I could breathe.
Back to a time when smiles weren’t regretted because someone had missed out. Back when good things happened and were celebrated without a nagging feeling of loss.
Back when I could talk to you and see you standing in front of me.
Back to a time where things made sense.
And the world provides me one day every year as it stops. The day I can endure the pain without the judgement of the world. The day I can stop and remember you.
That day brings me back to you.
That day will always be yours. The universe will continue to stop on that day, as though it mourns for you just as I do, which I wouldn’t doubt a bit.
You were that good; that loving; that kind and self-sacrificing, that God would’ve made a day just for us to mourn you.
Every year the world stops on that day to give us time to remember you, and it doesn’t matter what happens on that day for the rest of my time here…
It will forever be yours.
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RIP BJG 7/16/66 - 1/24/07