I still can't wrap my mind around the truth that you're gone for good. Gone forever. I know deep down inside that you're really never coming back. That nothing I can say or do that will make your heart beat again. How warm it once was before the cold came and took you away from me. If only I could see you again. Just one last time. Maybe then I could have changed your mind.
My heart burns with a disease just thinking about what happened. What you did, how you left. This disease is pure sorrow and misery as I find myself constantly hurting without you. This might seem selfish but of me to feel this way, but there;s nothing I can do to stop it. I'm broken and bruised apart from you. And maybe it wouldn't cut me so deeply, if I knew you were alive and breathing. But you're not. Because we didn't break up or end our relationship. You needed your life and now you've broken and torn every single piece of me inside.
I don't think I'll ever fully recover from this tragedy. My mind will never be able to fully comprehend why you did this. Still I will forgive you. I love you too much to make this about me. Because it's not about me, it's about you. And you were the one whom my heart and soul loved. I will always hold you dear. I will always hold you tight. Even when I feel myself slipping into a lake of grief, I will remember you, your life and all that you have taught me.
I wish I could have had the chance ti tell you all that you taught me while you were here. And I wish I could hold you tight one last time. I never got the opportunity to love you to the fullest of my advantage when I had the chance to do so. For that, I am truly sorry.
I know you can't hear me when I cry. I know you can't see me lying on the floor in the dead of the night shivering and numb. I scream your name and plead and plead fro you to hold me. I beg you to come back and be alive again. To somehow wake up next to me in the mornings and make me coffee and go on long walks, like we used too. You used to tell me that I was strong, that I could get through anything. I try to tell myself this everyday, but it doesn't sound the same. I don't think that this pain will ever go away.
I can't bare this pain anymore, I ache night and day. For you. I find myself sobbing at the very thought of you. I wake up in the night in the middle of dreaming of you, and I become angry and lost in a wrath. I want to throw my fists into concrete and feel them shatter like my heart has been. I want to throw caution to the wind and someone drift to you. Just to feel you one more time. But I can't and it's killing me.
I just wish you knew how much you mattered. How much you were loved and cherished. You still are. Maybe one day I'll see you again, maybe one day I won't. In another life, I would've done everything I could to keep you from making that choice. But even so, I just want you to know something my dear. I want you to know that you are my angel, my saving grace, my star shining down upon me in the dark night. I will never forget you, nor will I ever try. Forever you will have my heart and I will forever take hold of your beautiful soul.
I will always long for you, you only. I love you. My only prayer is that you have finally found the peace you were always searching for, even if I don't understand. Thank you for standing by my side for as long as you did. I will never stop holding on to our memories, or to us. Never will I stop loving you.