Breakups are hard. One minute you are so in love and planning your future together and the next minute everything you thought you knew is gone. You were my best friend. You were my first love. Never did it cross my mind that you would break my heart. I never thought you would be the reason I would be crying myself to sleep. I never thought you would break all those promises you made.
This breakup was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced, but it has also taught me a lot about myself. I learned that we lost ourselves in one another and neglected those around us, and that’s not healthy. We were so wrapped up in one another we forgot what it was like to just be with our friends or just have a moment of alone time.
After our breakup I found it difficult to go out. I kept wishing you were by my side. I did a lot of fake laughing and smiling when I was around my friends and family because I didn’t want anyone to see how much I was really hurting. I thought this pain would never go away and the thought of you moving on with someone else made my heart drop. Whenever your name would pop up on social media I felt my stomach churn and I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. It was weird to think that at one point in time you knew everything that was going on in my life and now you know nothing.
I thought I would never feel normal again. I was falling into this dark hole and my good friend, P. Sawyer, helped pull me out. After lots of girl talk and some deep soul searching, something changed in me. I found some stuff you had won for me at an arcade and I just felt a desire to throw them out. I also donated all of the clothes you had bought for me. Doing all of this made me feel good. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. For the first time in a really long time I knew I was going to be okay.
I no longer felt like a prisoner of my own emotions. I felt free. I felt like I could breathe. Of course there are times when something happens and I wish I could call you, but those moments are fewer and far between. I never thought things would end like this, but I know I have to move on. I deserve to be happy.
Maybe one day you will grow up and realize that what you had with me was unique and special. And maybe when you realize it, it will already be too late. I don’t regret what we had. I look back and laugh at all of our fun times and I remember how amazing your mom was to me, but I can no longer dwell on what was or what could have been.
I look forward to the future. I no longer fake laugh or smile. And most importantly, I learned to never lose myself in the process of loving someone else.