We went out on a date and you instantly knew. Though I didn’t see it yet, you kept pulling me in. Day after day. No 'three-day rule' about waiting to call. You were just doing what your heart told you, and that was refreshing.
On our first date, I said “I'm not going to sleep with you,” and you said you just wanted me to sleep next to you. You were different; you were expressive, raw, and sincere. Overnight, we went from being strangers to being each other's world. We created a space of comfort, hope and possibility for each other that we had been missing.
We shared an emotional and physical connection that I didn’t even realize was possible. It was like the stars collided and we formed our own infinite galaxy. We wanted to spend every day with each other. There was nobody we'd rather wake up next to. Nobody.
I have never felt so safe as when I was in your arms. You were my home. We planned a future of travel, marriage, and kids. We both secretly started writing vows, knowing that this was it. This was our forever.
But then overnight, like the flip of a light switch, you started retreating from me. I had to pull your halfhearted emotions out of you like I was grasping at air. I was no longer the support system you needed. And that made me try harder and harder to become it. Why was I no longer what you needed or wanted?
I killed myself to try to make us happy again. To try to make you happy. You gave up on us long before we broke up, but I never will. You have my heart in your hands. Even though its shattered in a million pieces, I still want you to have it.
You are no longer the man I knew. The man I was ready to take on life with. I miss him so much that I don’t want to wake up in the morning. You took away my boyfriend and my best friend. You act as though our devoted relationship is just water under the bridge, as though it was all meaningless.
Who is this new person? Where did my old friend go? Is he ever coming back? Do you know that you broke me? Do you even care?
I don’t think I'll ever be whole again. And yet, somehow, I still want you to find your happiness.