Maybe it’s a result of my overthinking mind or maybe I just lack the self-confidence it takes to feel secure in any of my friendships.
Whatever it is, sometimes I just can’t stand the thoughts in my head or person I am. I just hate how overly emotional I can be and how personally I seem to take everything.
I don’t want to be the one that gets easily offended at what are supposed to be meaningless jokes. Or the one who always feels like the odd one out.
I feel like I’m constantly on edge, no matter who I’m with. Even when I’m with my absolute best friends I still can’t help but wonder if they ever think they’d be happier without me around. I always seem to think I’m holding people back.
The only time I can take a deep breath, and feel like I’m not being judged is when I’m by myself. What a shitty way to go about life.
But if I face reality, which I do every so often, I realize that the person I am contains these flaws. I have to understand that my mind is just trained to overthink things.
It’s not something I can change. I know everyone has flaws and doubts about themselves but I can’t help but wonder how much happier I’d be if I could just stop placing doubts on my ability to keep friends.
I’ve thought a lot about it and I’ve realized that if I want to be happy, and I mean truly happy, not just surface level, I need to come to terms with who I am and stop hiding my feelings from myself and everyone around me.
I refuse to let my flaws hold me back from being happy any longer. And while I know that I can never change who I am. I also have to stop hiding from what I feel.
And if my feelings force me to crave reassurance from the people in my life, I need to tell them. I can’t expect anyone to just read my mind and know what I need.
So on the days where I feel out of place or unwanted, I’ll no longer hide from those feelings. I’ll talk about them and let the people I love assure me that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
Some parts of a person’s character are so engraved into their being that they can never be removed or altered.
My need for reassurance may or may not be one of those things.
Regardless, as much as I hate this part of me, I have to live with it because I can’t change it even if I tried.