Not every relationship is going to last. That’s just a part of life, especially as we get older.
I knew you were divorced when we started dating, and it's never bothered me. To be honest, I’ve barely even thought twice about it.
I know the basic story of what happened, but I’ve never really wanted to know the details. I thought it would be easier the less I knew about her.
That was until I saw her name for the first time.
It was in a letter addressed to the two of you. It was something that should have been so small and insignificant, but it wasn't.
Seeing her with your last name hit me a lot harder than I would have expected.
It opened up a whole new range of emotions, from jealousy to anger to just an overall sadness.
I was jealous that she had all those years with you.
I was jealous that she had started to build a life with you, even if it didn’t last. I was jealous that she got to wake up next to you and see you every day.
I was envious that she used to live in this house I was currently standing in; that it used to be filled with her things in addition to yours.
I was irrationally jealous that you chose her, even though you didn’t even know me back then.
I was jealous that she was welcomed as a part of your family, which I know is so important to you.
And most of all, I was jealous that you considered her worthy enough of giving her your last name. When she clearly wasn't .
I felt angry because of what she did to you and how she hurt you.
I hate her for how she treated you. I hate that you had to go through all that, and I hate how much it changed you. Even if it was all for the better, it gave you doubt.
It made you question love and all your future relationships.
Like this one with me.
And worst of all, I felt extremely sad because I felt inferior.
I felt like I would always be in second place.
No one knows what the future holds, but it made me question if I would ever be where she was. You spent almost a third of your life with this person.
We haven’t been together long enough to seriously talk about living together or getting married, and I don’t want to rush into either anytime soon.
But I do know that I will want those things eventually, and because of her, you’re not really interested in the idea of getting married again.
If that does somehow change, I’m scared that it will be years and years before you want to even think about it.
I'm the kind of girl who knows pretty quickly what I want. So while I’m not in a hurry now, I also know I won’t want to wait too long either.
And I definitely don't want to be forever living in her shadow.
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