We said goodbye months ago, and every single time I think I'm over it, I just a slap in a face showing me that I'm not. You were my best friend. You were my rock. You were my person and there hasn't been a day that's passed by since you threw me away, that I haven't longed to just have a conversation.
The pain from our lost friendship eats at me every single day, and the more time that passes by, the worse it becomes. It isn't like before when I felt that even though we weren't friends, I could email you, and maybe somehow you would forgive me for whatever awful thing I did to make you leave my life. This time it's different. This time I know what I did wrong, and the worst part is that I didn't even do it. And for that very reason, I can't bring myself to reach out.
I'm not perfect, God knows I'm not. I should have done so many things differently, but I can't change what happened. I'm only human and that is all I will ever be. However, I wasn't the only that made a mistake. Your mistakes are just as much apart of our falling out as mine were.
You shouldn't have let your assumptions cloud your judgement. You should have given me a real benefit of the doubt, as I did for you EVERY SINGLE TIME you left me in the past. You should have left your judgements at the door, and tried to get to the bottom of the truth of the situation. But you didn't.
I miss you so much that it kills me inside, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for missing someone who can just cut me out like I'm nothing. I hate myself for missing someone who never gave me the chance to tell my side of a story. I want to stop missing you. I want to stop caring, but I just can't turn it off like you did.
I thought that with time it would get better, but it's only gotten worse. My heart just seems to love you more, and I can't shake that feeling. I hate the emotions I feel when all I want to do is feel nothing. I wish I could be numb.
I know you don't care, but I always will. Loving you, and missing you will be the death of me. So I hope you're happy whiile I'm here feeling defeated.