In the worst moments in my life, I have had to remember there was no "dad". There was a mother who built 2 roles into her daily routine.
Some days I look around and I see people with their fathers, and I wonder what it is I missed. How is it I feel? Is it anger? Is it hurt? Is it resentment? Betrayal?
I am exhausted from feeling this way.
There are literally so many things floating around in my mind that I just wish I could scream at you.
But no matter what I say I know my words won't do it justice to describe how much pain I've been through because you decided to not be there.
I don't know if you get how disappointed I've felt in you over the years, or how hurtful it is when you have tried to just "stop on by" in my life like it was nothing.
I have had to learn how to swallow my pride again and find ways to be content with the life God gave me.
What you should know is that I have forgiven you. But that doesn't mean I've stopped wondering what life would have been like if you never broke me, to begin with.
My life has been spent helping others understand their pain, and I am still learning how to cope with my own.
Even the most selfless women endure the greatest heartbreaks at the hands of those who are supposed to love them the most.
But I am not holding onto that pain anymore. I am not letting it eat away at me or keep me down any longer.
I mean, sure I still have my days where I resent how you hurt me. And I do think you should be ashamed of the years you left behind. Or the things you missed as a result of you being gone.
But somewhere along the lines of living life, and learning to grow on my own, I lost you. And we lost the shot at being something more than strangers who happen to be related.
I don't know what drove you to leave. I still don't even know how you could take care of others but let me go.
You didn't just hurt me, you broke me.
And that is what hurts the most. I will probably never know why it all happened the way it did. You lived your life as if I was nothing worth missing.
We were supposed to be a family forever. There are still many questions I wish I could throw your way. And I am sorry for not being ready to explain all my feelings. But, I am not sure I will ever be ready.
But one thing for certain is that while you chose to leave, I chose to live. And I have to keep focusing on that. Because for now, I am what matters.
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