I feel like I'm drowning in a chaos of what ifs and hopeless hope and darkened paths. I am lost in a muddled mess of everything I want but can't have because it's not up to me.
Words roaring at me to hold on but let go.
For most of the day, I’m fine. Which makes being an overthinker a bit more bearable. But the second something significant happens, all hell breaks loose in this head of mine.
Late night thoughts and no sleep are all too common - coffee has become my best friend. Bringing up the same conversation with different friends just trying to understand it to the point of exhaustion. Using their words to hush the hurricane happening in my mind.
I question everything because uncertainty is my worst enemy. I rarely know if a decision I make is the right one for me and I replay every path I could have taken. Convincing myself I chose the right one despite the rest of my mind screaming I picked the wrong one.
As exhausting as it sounds, I try everything in my power to make strategic and thought out decisions every day. Trying to avoid a new torrential rainstorm to happen in my head. But the second I let loose and just let things flow, I’m kicking myself for making me look like a fool – or at least assuming I made myself look like a fool when, in reality, I’m just fine.
I’ll nitpick and nitpick, rewind and rewind, convincing myself everything is alright. Because deep down I know I’m okay, but sometimes my mind just can’t fully see that. It gets stuck in a dense fog of emotions and thoughts and memories.
I do my best to hide it. To hold in the emotions and thoughts from spewing out of my mouth to the next person who dares to listen. But that doesn’t always happen. Because certain things are just too strong to hold in.
The kind of heartbreak where they leave when things are seemingly perfect. The kind where they leave but yet never fully let you go – just to come back months later leaving you in a confusion of “do they just want to be my friend or something more?” The kind of heartbreak where you end it, yet continually second guess your decision.
The kind that leaves you with more questions than answers.
Because I’ll never understand how I felt things, saw things and experienced the same things as the one I thought was mine, yet they were able to walk away so effortlessly. Leaving me here to question and overanalyze.
No matter how many times I try to read the past situations, the memories, the times spent together, nothing will calm my mind. Because it wasn’t just me involved. It wasn’t just my feelings and my heart deciding the situation.
And I can’t turn it off.
I’m not only trying to heal my heart but heal my mind. Constantly trying to convince myself that significant moments and memories are nothing more than just a moment and a memory – even when I know they hold importance. What he did and how he acted was important. How he treated me so perfectly was important.
The importance is what keeps my mind spinning though. So I have to learn to let go. Slowly but surely.
One day the crashing of opposite thoughts and memories will slow and fade. I will learn to let the past be and focus on the future. I will learn to silence the thoughts on my time and not when they want to stop.
I’ll learn to heal and be strong in who I am and the choices I make.
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