I remember the night we met so clearly, even to this day. I remember the adrenaline, the feeling of wanting to be close to you, but knowing that I shouldn't be. Sometimes, I find myself wishing that I'd never convinced you to get snap chat, and I had stuck my ground of not wanting a relationship. If I had, my heart wouldn't be in pieces and I wouldn't find comfort in crying myself to sleep every night for the past four months.
The thing is, the more I pretended not to have feelings for you, the stronger they became, and the harder you pushed me. I find myself wondering all the time why I wasn't enough.
You pushed me so hard to let you in when I didn't even want to. You chased me, knowing I was afraid of getting hurt, but why?
In the end, things got rough and you did the exact thing I knew you would all along. The sad part is, you never gave me the chance to tell my side of an accusation that wasn't even true. You ended us like it was nothing, and threw me away like I was trash. It still hurts.
I don't pretend to be a saint, or the victim. God only knows the issues I carry inside of me. I push people away. I tend to make mountains of molehills. I push people away. I don't know how to say how I feel. I don't always know how to let people in when they want to help. However, with that being said it's only because of my past hurt that stops me from being able to do all of these things. In time, I could've. No one ever gave me that though.
I was left to pick up the pieces of a relationship that I never wanted. I didn't ask you to come into my life. I didn't ask you to pursue me. I was fine before you. I was great, even. I only wanted to live my life without regret, and you came along and messed it all up, and I want to hate you for it. I want to hate you. Hating you would be so much easier than being paralyzed by the memory of you. Its excruciating to have to miss you this much. It hurts me so deeply. There is this hole in my life where you are supposed to be.
Now, I'm left to take care of a child, and no idea what I'm doing. Our child. our sweet baby boy will be here in November, and I've never felt more alone. He's the reason I keep going. He's the reason that I can't bring myself to regret you or our relationship. He's the reason I can't hate you.
Even though I hate how you ended things. I hate how you didn't give me the benefit of the doubt, I can't hate you. You gave me the most precious gift I could've asked for. And the thing is, even though I am scared. Even though I'm terrified of becoming a single mother, our son saved my life. I can't thank you enough for what you've given to me.
My heart aches for you, and I don't know what to do. Our son though, he's the reason I'm trying to figure it all out.
So, I hope you're happy because I'm torn to pieces.