I get caught in these motions of thinking I am not good enough for you. I know it seems easy to "just get over" or to "try and stop thinking negatively", but the fact of the matter is, it is so hard not to think this way.
Time and time again I've been told by a number of people that there is a whole list of things that are wrong with me. I was never encouraged on how to "fix" them. I was just expected to listen people tell me about my flaws, and that was that.
So my mind latched onto the idea I wasn't good enough for anyone. It fed me lies of inconsistencies, of moments of failures, of moments of weakness....and instead of challenging those ideas I began to believe them.
This mind of mine sometimes makes a mess of things. And it makes me think how can someone love someone who seem broken beyond repair. How can someone choose to love someone who seems to be doing more harm in this world by existing.
It trickles down, moment after moment - and I am left looking in a pool of thoughts of what I messed up, and how I could have done better.
And man is it so hard to feel like there is more to me than just this empty shell of life... and human existence.
See overthinking makes me feel I'm impossible to love, because maybe just maybe I haven't been shown the right kind of love. I've been left in the dust focusing on everything I did wrong - that no one has given me the chance to see what is really like.
And it is exhausting feeling like you are the only problem. Like you are reason why tons of things don't ever work out the way they should.
And I wish it weren't the case. Boy do I wish I could control my negative thoughts and turn them into pure daylight.
I push myself though.
I try to still find the moments where the light seems to gleem through this never ending process.
And then my heart reminds me that there are people like you in this world.
Who are there to remind us not only are we capable of being loved... but that we deserve it.
And I think to myself then it can't be that bad....
I can't be that horrible.
Because someone out there has dared to challenge the notion that I am something more than just a monster.
I am human, and I am beautiful.
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