When I looked at those two pink lines I never imagined youto be the child you are now.
I had so many dreams for you, so many memories alreadyplanned and you were still growing, gracefully inside of me. The day you wereborn, was by far one of the most terrifying moments of my life, we knew it was tooearly, we knew you were tiny, but what we didn’t know was how mighty you truly are.
You see, I’ve spent so much time trying to accept that you’renot the same as a normal baby, that I forgot to accept you as my child.
Acceptance is such a hard word to come to terms with.
Who wants to accept that there child is not the same asevery other child?
For so long, I just couldn’t do it, I spent so much time madand angry that you had to be the one to have a problem, that you my beautifulson had to have surgery at only three months old.
The anger I felt over hearing you needed another surgery tohelp you survive because you couldn’t gain weight, I screamed at God everynight, I listened to other parents talk about their baby the same age as you, Ilistened to them all compare their babies milestones to one another, and yet I hadnothing to say. Because instead of getting up every three hours to feed you,hold you, and sing you back to sleep, I was setting up options on a pump topush formula into your stomach thru a port.
I can’t tell you howmany women I’ve wanted to scream at that complain about their child’s nighttime feedings, who complain that their baby wouldn’t go back to sleep, I wantedto yell at them, I wanted to tell them to shut up, to be thankful that they getthose moments, because when you don’t have them you will do anything to try toget them back.
Once I sat down, and took a breath, and realized that you aren’tnot normal, that you are beautiful, you are breathtaking, you are everything ina child I could have ever wanted I realized that it wasn’t about accepting whatyou couldn’t do, it was about accepting you as my child.
You see, loving you never came with exceptions, loving you meantloving all of you, even the parts that are messy, and hard.
Once I learned to change my goals for you, I learned thatyou conquer things daily, you meet milestones every day.
Every milestone you hit is so much bigger than the tiny onesmost babies hit, because for you it meant you worked ten times harder to meetit than someone else did.
Meeting you, loving you, being able to call you my child,was never about accepting your special needs, because loving you made me abetter person, a better mother.
You my son have conquered more mountains than anyone I know,some people may call you special needs, I call you my beautiful survivor.