I think of you less now… something I’m still getting used to, especially when you were the first thing that crossed my mind as I awoke in the morning and the last thing I thought of with my eyes closed.
Something about you always lingered on my mind.
That’s not the case now, which if I'm being honest, I'm pretty grateful for.
I was living in the past, haunted by the memories of you and I, and that was so wrong—having my body in one space in time with my heart in another. A time that is long gone and cannot be recreated no matter how hard I tried.
And yes, I did try. At one point, you did, too.
Not anymore, though.
Now, the dial tone cuts short and I’m immediately sent to voicemail. Now I hear the busy tone and an automated voice that says, I’m sorry this number is not in service.
At first, I was really hurt. It felt like a cold blade to the chest, yet my heart kept beating in an even more determined pulse.
I used to lay awake at night in a ball of anxiety. How could he do this to me? Did I do something wrong?
And, as many times as I've gone over it and over it again, I've come to realize that there really wasn't anything I could've done different. We were over, and I had to face that fact.
There wasn't anything you could have done differently either. We were both drowning in what could have been that we weren't seizing what could be right now.
So, I don't blame you for blocking me. You did it to survive so that we could both move on. I'm just sorry I couldn't have returned the favor. I wasn't strong enough to do it.
You did though, and I thank you for that.
You're not all I think about now.
I'm able to think clearer now. I can look around and see what else is out there—even if all that is out there at the present moment is a long-winded night talking with dear friends without you once coming across my mind.
Falling asleep at night with no anxiety, no second thoughts. Only the day's events.
This is what I needed, and I had no idea how badly I needed it. Now that I have it, there's no way I could go back to the way things were.
You helped me heal. You allowed me the space to move on. I may not have done it all the way, but I'm getting there. Which I never would've been able to do if we were still talking to one another.
You've given me peace, and I hope you've found yours, too. Thank you for my ex-love, forever blocked but forever grateful.
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