“It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have them in your arms”
I don’t know the exact moment in which my heart chose you. All I know is that I’ve been head over heels for you since and my love continues to grow a little bit more every day. It’s not a great thing though, this love I feel for you is the kind that leaves you hopeless because it’s never been reciprocated. It’s hard to understand how I can continue to love you when you barely know I exist but it’s my truth and I have no choice but to accept it.
I live with a constant feeling of absence, the sadness of not having you in my life. It’s the wishful longing for something I don’t think I’ll ever have. It hurts, because for as much as I want my heart to forget you, I can’t. I want you, only you.
I’ve tried to masquerade my pain, I’ve tried to pretend that getting zero attention from you affects me. I’ve tried ignoring you but every time you cross my path my eyes can help but turn your way. I’ve tried everything to survive your absence but the more I try the more my feelings for you intensify. It’s such a cruel joke life has played on me.
I couldn’t possibly blame you for not loving me back. I’m sure you can sense my awkwardness around you and maybe deep down you know that I want you. You have to know how my heart feels because even when I try my hardest to pretend that you don’t affect me, I know my whole being gives it away. I become semi paralyzed, my hands become cold and sweaty and I can barely get a word out. And you just stand there, looking at me from the corner of your eye probably wondering how bad I am at faking my true intentions.
I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I’ve managed to be around you without completely falling apart and I’ve gotten used to the idea that your heart and mine will remain a million miles apart. I think the only thing that tames my longing for you is your kindness towards me whenever we get to interact. You’re always respectful, sweet and polite. Those brief interactions bring me so much joy and for a few moments I feel at peace with my heart.
I know that probably someone else gets to kiss you, hug you and have all of you. Someone else gets to be lucky to have you and love you. But I’m sure, no one loves you like I do.
I know I have to come to terms with my reality without you but I want you to know that even though it’s hard to love you from a distance, at least I know my heart is capable of loving this hard. If that’s the only reward I get from loving you, I’ll never regret that my heart chose you.
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