Someone asked me once, "Have you gotten out of your cycle yet?"
I sat there, puzzled for a second, and then laughed. It wasn't a cheerful laugh by any means; it was the kind of laugh you make when the joke's not funny.
"No," I said, "Look who I'm dating now." I took out my phone and showed my dear friend the picture of the man I was sharing life with.
He laughed, the kind of laugh when you find something ironic or horribly dreadful but have no other way to react.
I left thinking, 'how could I allow myself to be in the same cycle of dating trashy guys?!'
Here I am, full blown adult, and I'm dating the same type of guy as when I was a teenager. This thought made me sick.
I was in a cycle of constantly dating jocks who's heads were too big for their bodies, who's anger ruled their life, who couldn't communicate if life depended on it, and who valued his friends more than his girl.
Basically, I was now dating a guy who still wanted to act like he was in high school. Shit.
That must be why all of my relationships have ended the same way because I have constantly chosen to date men who have never learned what a grown up relationship looks like nor did they have the drive to learn or try.
I started to get really down on myself. I thought, "I am the common thread. All of these relationships haven't worked and I am the common thread. Something is wrong with me."
I genuinely thought I needed to fix something about myself to be in a healthy relationship. I thought I was the thing that was wrong. After weeks of journaling and talking with my friends I saw more clearly the problem at hand.
The only thing wrong with me was the quality of men I was choosing to love. I was settling.
I was loving men who weren't capable of loving me back because they were too self absorbed to learn how.
Understanding this, has brought me so much freedom. I can't wait to find a man who doesn't fit inside my cycle.