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This is My Fight

Sometimes I forget why I am doing what I am. I get lost in what I should be doing but am not. 

I think about all of the things in my life that have gone wrong and the people I have disappointed. What I never remember is why I did those things or what I am doing instead. 

I have always wanted to please everyone around me before I worried about myself and I believe that is my biggest downfall. 

I started to live for other people instead of living for myself. When that happens you just become so upset and overwhelmed because you can't do things the way every single person in your life wants you to. 

Letting people down hasn't gotten easier for me but I have learned to accept that I cannot please everyone I meet.

When I use to plan my future, I planned what my family wanted for me even if it wasn't what I wanted. I did it because their happiness won over mine. 

I did anything to please them as any child would but it came at a cost. It didn't take a toll on me right away but as the years went on my life became less enjoyable and started to feel more like a chore.

That feeling never went away because I never changed my path. I stayed on what I had planned my life to be. Then it all came crashing down.

After struggling to do what I wanted for so long, I decided to give up. I couldn't do it anymore and I couldn't live with the life I struggled to make, especially when I wasn't even succeeding at it. 

I hit a really low point and didn’t know how to get backup. Instead of doing something about it I continued to ignore what I was feeling in fear that I would upset everyone around me. 

I did something that would forever change my life and still to this day is the reason I am living differently. After this scare and realizing how much I actually hated my life I got the courage to talk to my family. 

I was surprised when they all supported me and agreed that I needed to make changes in my life.

I'm not saying that it was easy to change and everyone was happy about it. I lost some great friends throughout the process and will probably never have those friendships back but I have gained so much more. 

And I can now say I am closer with my family than I ever have been. I realized that this is my battle and no one else has to have any control over what I decide to become other than me. 

Even though other people will help me win the war, I will have to make the decisions that make me happy. I don’t want to look back and regret something I did or didn't do just because other people didn't agree with me. 

Ever since I felt like my life was nothing I started making my life worth something to me.

Having the freedom and the support to do what makes me happy has changed my life. I no longer feel like I am disappointing myself and only living for other people. 

I can truly say for the first time that I am living for myself and every day I wake up is worth something. To finally have this happiness is something I could never imagined a year ago or even 6 months ago.

I'm not happy all the time because here's the reality: life sucks. But sometimes you need to take it by the horns and do what you want and don’t look back. 

That is how I'm learning to live my life because this is my fight and I'm going to win it.