The tendency to carry over worries and fears of past breakups gives what it's called 'relationship anxiety.' Many people say “the past is the past” and I thoroughly believe that. But what about the aftermath that comes from unhealthy relationships? How does that just stay in the past when it seems to affect any relationship you find yourself in?
No matter how great a guy is, I still can't help but feel fearful that what happened in the past will repeat itself. And it doesn’t even have anything to do with him, because he's great. It's just the overall idea of a relationship.
It's like the feeling of apprehension has a mind of its own and you can't control but be in a constant state of fear, bracing yourself to take the next emotional hit.
I find myself constantly feeling worried that he'll hurt me, or lie to me, or I'll put my feelings and heart out there only to have him chew it up and spit it out. All because, well, it's happened before. It appears to be a perfectly rational and logical reason, but in your heart you know that it's really not.
So somehow, I know that I'm self-sabotaging myself and this relationship, letting the relationship anxiety fill my head with irrational thoughts. They just play over and over again in my head until it’s distorted my mood.
I then end up quiet and not wanting to talk out of the fear I’ll end up crying. I'm scared to open my mouth and let my emotions overflow. When he asks if I'm okay I don't know what to tell him. It's feeling like your irrational feelings are not valid so you are afraid to be misunderstood and judged.
I’m afraid he will think I don’t have faith in us, or that I'm a negative person, or all I ever do is worry. It just fogs the real me in such a way that I start thinking that maybe this is who I really am.
I just don’t know how to explain that to him without sounding what I assume he'll perceive as crazy. And I know I'm not crazy. It's just know that my past relationship haunts me, and that threatens my current one by imprisoning my heart.
Honestly, I wish I could just go back in time and erase all the pain and hurt that old relationships have caused me. Because if I did that, I'd be able to focus on how great my other half is now, and I wouldn't second guess things.
The truth is, I'm the only one who can overcome this emotional fear. Heartache is inevitable in life but some of us are more sensitive than others and have a harder time coping with the pain felt when someone has broken us to pieces.
The pain is real but the love that our hearts are capable of giving is real too and I will somehow find the strength to overcome my relationship anxiety. In the mean time, I just hope that my new love can be patient with my anxious heart.