You will always be a ghost that I am forever searching for. A connection that I can feel that I know I have out there somewhere that is just within my reach but, I can never quite get. Once you spend a lifetime trying to find someone and discover you were just too late, you remain empty.
Perhaps once you realize you will never get to know the person, and you understand how breath-taking that moment becomes. I will forever feel slightly incomplete, while everyone mourns you on this anniversary.
I’m still discovering what I missed out on. With new stories, old letters to friends. I mourn the first hello we could have shared. I mourn the fact you will never get the chance to be a grandfather. I mourn hugs and holidays that could have been shared.
With time, I am growing to have a love-hate relationship with the past and it has honestly consumed me. Time is what I hate most because I cannot turn back the clock and fix you or what happened to you.
Time is also the one thing I have needed most, to process, to love what remained behind after you and to discover myself and how much I relate to you even though we never even got our chance to meet.
Honestly, I was excited to find you and terrified at the same time. The yearning also consumed me to know who you were but, I was terrified to look inside myself and see how not knowing you had changed my path and where I had gone in life.
Children should not have to bury their parents. It’s been my curse and blessing to do so. It has been my curse because once you lose them you will never feel more alone in your life than when you are suddenly without the very people who made you.
It’s been my blessing because I will never take for granted the life I live and that of the family that remains today and the family I made.
This life lesson has taught me to love deeper and to become more resilient. To feel pain and never run from it. Without pain, you can never know how deeply you will love.