I’ve spent years blaming you for everything. Your affairs, the financial troubles, my pain, the lies. Some days I doubt a single word that ever came out of your mouth was true. I don’t think you could even distinguish between your lies and reality. You believed them to your core. They were your reality.
You always said you never deserved me. That may be the only truth that ever came from your lips. It took me until now to realize it, though.
I blamed you for tearing apart our family. I blamed you for losing friendships. I blamed you for our money issues. I blamed you for my self-esteem plummeting when you told me how worthless I was. I blamed you for shattering my trust and the belief that love could exist. I blamed it all on you.
It wasn’t until I sat across from you to finally talk that I realized, it wasn’t your fault. There you were, crying and defeated, finally having to face a consequence you couldn’t talk your way out of.
That's when it finally hit me: My pain is mine and mine alone. I allowed my heartbreak to happen.
Yes, you put me in terrible situations but I allowed myself to be victimized and beaten by you. But I chose to stay with you even when I knew it was wrong. I swallowed your hollow lies because some days it was easier than fighting with you or accepting the truth.
You can't blame a snake for biting its prey...it's just the nature of the animal. It's the same with you, except that I stood by you for years and continued letting you attack.
I should’ve run away. I should’ve fought back. I should’ve stopped loving you.
Even after I left you and our tumultuous marriage, I allowed you to continue hurting me. I used what you had done to my heart to sabotage relationships. I used you as an excuse to be weak. I had become accustomed to being “broken” and I let it define me for so long. That’s on me. That was my mistake.
I allowed myself to forget that I was beautiful, intelligent, kind, and worthy of love. I won't do that anymore. Now, I find bits and pieces of the girl I used to be every day. I am not weak anymore, and every day the mess you left becomes smaller.
I live for me now. I am free.
In every situation, there is a choice. I finally chose me. So, you will never see my face again. Never hear my voice call your name. But when you think of me, I want you to remember this…
You tried your best to break me…but you didn’t.