I have been thinking about you so much lately. I've spent countless moments wondering what went wrong. I've spent so many moments blaming myself for a majority of why everything fell apart.
You were my best friends. You were the people I counted on more than anything and I needed you more then I ever might have said. You were everything to me and so much more.
I never thought I would see the day when you of all people could ever accuse me of all the things you did. I didn't think I would ever have to defend or justify myself to you. Despite all the mistakes or any of the problems we may have had, you were my person, my best friend, the one person I could count on without a doubt in the end and you hurt me again, in the worst possible way.
I'm not a victim here, I made my fair share of mistakes, the biggest one being not being able to fully let you in. I was so afraid of the past and how you treated me before that I let it come between us and our present relationship. I was scared of you leaving me again that I let it affect us in ways I shouldn't have. Then there's my disease in which you accused me of lying about, I couldn't get over all my fears about it enough to see past it that I let that change me into a person who was lost and scared. No matter how hard I tried to get back up and get to the person I wanted to be, it just took over a part of me that I couldn't control. And for that I'm sorry.
But now we are where we are, not friends and not talking, but given the chance here is what I would say to you.
I would start by telling you how much I've missed you in the past two months. I would tell you how much it hurts knowing I'm a huge reason and why you left me this time. I know that a lot of the fault is mine to bear and I've accepted that and carried the burden as my own. And I'll live with that for the rest of my life.
Most importantly I want you to know that I'm angry. I'm angry at you for accusing me of lying about the most important thing in my life and never have given me the chance to tell my side of the story. I'm angry at you for leaving me after promising me a thousand times that you wouldn't. I'm angry that you made up your mind, decided that I wasn't worthy of hearing what really happened. I'm angry that I'm now the bad guy in everyone else's book because you didn't try to see the truth, or anything I was willing to send you to show you proof that I wasn't lying.
You were my best friend and you never gave me the benefit of the doubt even though I gave it to you a thousand times in the past. Even when you didn't deserve it. I'm hurt that you of all people could accuse me of everything that you did when you saw hard it was for me to face first hand.
I just want you to know that in some ways you will always be my person, even if I'm not yours, but it's time for me to let it all go and move on because right now I need to focus on my health