You were my best friends. You were my family. You were my lifeline.
I won't pretend to be a victim because I'm not.
I'm far from it. I'm not perfect. I'm not wonderful. I'm a wrecking ball with so many flaws. Nobody knows that better than me.
I push people away so they can't hurt me. I leave before I get left. I shut people out when they suffocate me.
Yes, that's me the girl who doesn't know how to love. I'm the girl who doesn't know how to let people in. I'm the cause of most of my suffering, you don't have to tell me that because I already know it.
But you know what I haven't done? Lied. And for you to accuse me of such a spiteful thing, I think that is what hurts me the most.
I got diagnosed with cancer.
You weren't there were you? As I recall you had cut me off for no good reason and I was faced with my problems alone. Without family. Without my friends. That was partially my fault because I didn't tell anyone.
I'm an adult though. I'm not required to have people hold my hand. I'm not required to have someone baby me.
I'm allowed to cope in whatever way suits me. So yeah I worked until I couldn't. I pretended it didn't exist for as long as I could. I kept it to myself until I couldn't anymore. So that must mean I'm lying, right?
I chose to deal with this on my own.
I guess all those doctor appointments that are on file are wrong. The biopsy I had was in my head right? I guess that scar on my head underneath all my hair is a figment of my imagination.
I guess my two best friends who go with me to my appointments now, and then we make a girls day of out of it after, I guess that's all in my head too? I guess my mother holding my hand in the hospital was in my head too?
How can you say I'm lying about this?
I guess my oncologist, Neuro-Oncologist, Neuro Surgeon, and Neurologist team from the cancer center is a lie too. I guess that's all in my head right? I guess all my health records are forged? All the medications on file, those are forged, right?
Oh and the full-time Oxygen I've been put on, that you can only get with a prescription, that's a lie too right? The people who've come with me, all of it it's a lie right? Because you say so because you don't want to hear the truth? Or because you decided you know everything?
You want to have her drama in your life, go for it.
I can be drama. I can be dramatic, but one thing that I do know for sure is I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to feel bad about. I did nothing wrong here. The truth will come out, and I'm counting on that.
I do not owe you or anyone any explanation. But heck if you were to ask me for access to my health records I'd even grant you it because I have nothing to hide.
So thanks for everything you've done, I'll always appreciate it. More than anything. I'll look back and smile at the good times, sure.
But I will never be able to get the past the fact that you could accuse me of such an awful thing.