Reflecting back on all the times, past and present and even those yet to come, that I let the "what if's" in my head get the best of me (and my mouth), I sit here wondering what in the heck am I doing?
Truthfully speaking, the only answer that comes to me is the one I wish I didn't have to face.
The one that could have and could be avoided time and time again. But for some reason, it shows it's ugly face more times than not.
I'm talking about the answer of being unable to turn the "what if's" in my head off, which in return causes a hard spot in our relationship.
If only I would just keep my mouth shut, erase any "what if" thoughts and replace it all with the reality of consciously and subconsciously knowing the truth.
The truth of knowing that it's all in my head and all in my head only.
The truth of knowing that the past has scarred me, but knowing that you aren't here to damage me any further, but rather stitch me back up and make me whole again.
The truth of knowing that I have trust issues -- and not even with you.
The truth of knowing that I have the worlds hardest time trusting those around me, especially other females.
The truth of knowing that you would never forsake me.
The truth of knowing that my mind has more control over me than should be humanly healthy, or possible for that matter.
The truth of knowing that the "what if" thoughts team up with my mouth and cause avoidable unnecessary trouble.
I'll admit, I don't always think before I speak. Nor do I think about what I'm thinking before I let it slip out of my mouth.
But it's times when the "what if's" show their ugly faces that I realize how insecure I really am.
I feel the hurt radiating off your body, along with anger, and I can't help but think that it's all my fault.
Why do I let things that don't even matter or things that don't even make any sense consume me and get the best of me?
Why do I have reoccurring "what if" thoughts and say things that cause pain? Why do I never stop to think about the wonderful, God-driven man that I have right in front of me?
I may never know the answer to any of these questions, but one thing I know for certain is that I'm so afraid that my mouth and my mind are going to get in the way of the one thing that brings the most happiness in my life.