Please hear me out, like you used to. Pretend you still want to read my words or hear my thoughts, even just a little bit. Just one last time.
I know I will be fine without you. That is a fact, or a reality, if you will. I can tell myself this as many times as I want, but even if I know that I will be, this still hurts. So. Fucking. Badly.
What did I see in you? In retrospect, I truly don't believe I really got to know you. I know more than most, but not anything you didn't want to show. From what I knew, though: your family is absolutely wonderful; you are realistic in every aspect in your life, which helps with life-long goals and such; you are so god damned sweet—you knew how to make me feel better, you listened when I said what bothered me. You did care. But my issue, the thing that is keeping me up all night, driving me to destructive habits, hypnotizing me into going 90 in a 55 with a blank stare, is why that changed within minutes.
I’m not interested in writing more about what we talked about for hours, about why you decided that you can’t be friends with me and your friend at the same time, (even though now he and I are perfectly fine, again). I wrote you paragraph after paragraph responses to your questioning in an attempt to explain myself. Alas, it fell on deaf ears. You told me that everything I said sounded fake, that it didn’t sound 100% truthful. It was, but I could tell that you made your mind up. I wasn’t going to hold anything back—I told you the complete truth. I guess my view of the situation doesn’t matter. I guess what you did to me doesn’t matter.
Yeah, you can say that you just wanted to be friends with me, and I believed you these past two months. I believed that we could have been friends the rest of our lives and we both would’ve been okay. I would’ve been okay, I wouldn’t have been stuck on you like you assumed I was. However, some of the things you said to me at the beginning of these past 4 months were not things friends say to “friends”, at least I know you’re not that sweet or nice to your friends. I think maybe you realised that when I put some of our messages on Snapchat. I think you lost trust for me that day. But I was hurting.
I’m so sorry that I saw potential in you where you saw none. I’m so entirely sorry for putting you in this situation, truly, but you knew about it the entire time. You say yourself that you’re realistic, then why were you lying to yourself? How did it take less than 24 hours for you to completely despise me? Why won’t you answer my single question so that I can stop wondering and hating myself for all the reasons I can think of?
Like it or not, you were a huge part of my life. I know I was nothing to yours. Please just understand that what you did, it hurt me. It’s as simple as that, and I know you are smart enough to be aware of that, but I think you are too self-absorbed to truly care about how your actions affect myself and others.
You can hate me for simply being the cause of your friend’s pain, but I did NOT mean to cause any harm. It hurts to know that you think I did it on purpose, that he was just a pawn. But, if you really cared about him, if he’s really the main reason why you can’t be friends with us at the same time, then why wouldn’t you say something about it? Why did you never try to tell me to stop, why did you never try to leave before now?
I don’t know why things changed so quickly. I know you feel quite negative towards me, but honestly I truly do not understand where it came from. I wish you could tell me.
I will always love you, for sure. I guess I’m kind of glad you never said it back. I wish that I could erase all the things you’ve told and showed me from my memories, (’Statues’ comes to mind). It’s not fair that I’m left with remnants, and you are completely fucking fine. It’s not fair that you lied so easily, that you said this was hard for you too. It’s what you’ve wanted from the start, you never wanted me to try and come back into your life. I told you that I would lose you, and you said I wouldn't. You should have known, no?
I know I will be okay without you. I think I’m just sad over the lost potential, because that’s all it ever was; that’s all I ever saw. I just want someone exactly like you: all your knowledge, your ability to calm my storms, your stupid faces, our play arguments, your sweet words, thought out messages, excellent conversational skills, the way you looked at me, the way I never stopped being excited to see or talk to you, your confidence, the way you don’t care what people think, someone who can ask for a water at the window with ease cause we forgot when ordering.
But I also want someone who follows through on what they say, someone who doesn’t make excuses when it comes time to do something, someone who wants to talk to and see me as much as I do them, someone who doesn’t give up on me when I need them the most. Someone like you, but someone who actually cares all the time, not just when it’s convenient.
I know I will be okay, it’s not the fact that I lost you, just that you were a symbol of hope to me. You were a symbol that things get better, that there were still good people out there, that not every guy or person was shitty. I think this hurts because I never thought you would do anything like this to me, especially after knowing what I’ve been through. I thought fondly on the memory of you for three years, but now I’m not sure what to think. I’m not sure what happiness to hold on to anymore.