Love should be easy. Life is what's hard. When you inevitably combine the two, love becomes one of the most complicated things in this world.
The real problems begin to happen when your heart can't agree with your mind. But as the saying goes, "the heart wants what it wants," even when it doesn’t seem attainable.
"My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them."
You took my heart, threw it in a blender and continued to watch it swirl around until it looked like a soupy mess. But because my big dumb heart doesn't want to listen to my head, I still care about you.
And there’s a small part of me hoping that you care about me as well.
I catch myself writing text messages ranging from a simple "Hey," to a novel-like paragraph. Then I stare at them and erase them as quickly as they were typed. It’s hard for me to keep my feelings to myself because I feel like everyone should be able to express themselves.
However, I tend to forget that not everyone feels things as deeply as I do, so I need to take a step back before it seems overwhelming. I don’t want to force myself on you, and I don’t want to come across as desperate because I’m not.
So here, I’ll let the words slide through the cracks from the cage where they are hiding. Even in the silence that separates the two of us, there's so much I still want you to know.
I miss having you in my corner always motivating me to push one step past what I thought I could accomplish. When I’d complain or whine, you’d shut me up and tell me that I could do anything.
I miss the way my head would fit perfectly nestled on your shoulder and the fact that even when I knew your arm was asleep you wouldn’t make me move.
I miss the lingering smell of your cologne.
I miss the way your arm would slink around my waist when we’d be walking around the town.
Or the look you’d give me when you thought I wasn’t looking. You looked so happy, you looked at me like I was the only girl in the world who mattered.
Life wasn’t always so serious when we were together. I miss the playfulness.
It was almost as if my heart stopped beating in my chest when you'd kiss me. I miss the feel of your soft breath, and the urge I got to bite your bottom lip as it was pressed against mine.
I miss the clarity you gave me. My overthinking mind was at ease by your logical ways.
These are just a very small amount of the memories that come to mind. I can't push these memories away because that would mean actually letting go of you.
I hope you have held on to the memories of me as well, and maybe there's at least a small part of you that holds on to us. I hope your heart will always have room for me, even when your mind is otherwise occupied.
My brain is currently winning, it’s placed a strip of duct tape over my heart, telling me to reign it in a bit, but just know if I thought it’d change anything, I’d tell you this to your face in a heartbeat.
"All I can hear in the silence that remains, are the words I couldn't say."