We all have that nosy aunt who thinks it’s totally okay to ask the most intrusive, borderline rude questions all the time. It’s like she has a knack for making everyone feel uncomfortable, but especially you. If it were a perfect world, you’d be able to roll your eyes and walk away, but you know that’s not an option.
“Are you seeing anyone?”
While probably of the least irritating/offensive questions surrounding the topic of my current state of affairs- it is typically the first thing out of Aunt’s mouth. I could be out of line here but is it too much to ask that my family take interest in my life besides just who I am or am not seeing?!
What I want to say: “I see people every day, Aunt Stacy. Which one do you want to hear more about?”
What I actually say: “I’ve gone on a few dates here and there.”
“Why are you still single?”
By far my least favorite question of all relationship-status questions, and not just around the holidays- all the time. Is this supposed to be a compliment? Or is it a genuine question?
What I want to say: “Don’t you think, Uncle Frank, if I knew the question to that I wouldn’t BE single?!”
What I actually do: laugh and do that half-shrug/full awkward “Get me the fuck out of here” response.
“Maybe you shouldn’t be so picky. You’re not getting any younger, ya know”
This usually is accompanied by a tapping on their watch, or clock ticking noise. By far the rudest comment made towards any single human being.
What I want to say: “I’m not following…are you implying I’m a clock? Old? Weren’t you five fucking years older than me when you got married, let alone started having kids? Give me a quick second I’ll go grab the next guy I see off the street.”
What I actually say: “I’m in no rush. I don’t mind waiting for someone good to come along.” (This typically results in a conversation around what “good” means and me being told that my standards may be “a little too high”- it’s always a great time I highly encourage it…)
“I know the PERFECT guy for you!!!”
Unwanted matchmaker offers- the best!! Yes, I’m single. No, I’m not really interested in you helping fix me up with someone. Unless that “someone” is Bradley Cooper. Then by all means, work your wizard magic, Aunt Joan.
What I want to say: “I know the perfect guy for me too! Unfortunately, he is an Oscar-winning actor and our paths will likely never cross.”
What I actually say: “Oh yeah? Tell me more…”
“Have you tried Match?”
…..there’s no words. You know this cringe-worthy one is coming, and likely coming from that one aunt that you are not entirely sure how they got married younger than you are now. They genuinely think they’re being helpful, but really…we all know they aren’t.
What I want to say: “Fuck off, Aunt Missy.”
What I actually say: “I’ve tried a few! Some are better than others. I’m just keeping my options open now.”
The holidays with family can be tough, handling it while single can be even more of a headache. But to all my single friends out there fill up your glass of wine and brace yourself- you got this- I believe in you. Godspeed.
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