You were always my second choice. You were the guy that I could go back to without worry, no matter what happened or how I managed to fuck things up in my life.
I didn’t want you all the time, and when I met someone who struck my fancy, I was gone without explanation.
There was no guilt, only the understanding that I would probably be back at some point, asking you to drop whatever - or whoever - you were doing to cater to my every whim.
It never seemed to matter that you had a girlfriend. One little kiss and a whisper of “Does she do it for you like I do?” got under your skin like a parasite. You never seemed to be able to be immune to the infection of me.
It didn’t seem to matter that you “didn’t want to get hurt again” - the second I smiled and offered you a crumb, you took it like you had been starving since I left, and you fell right back into my life.
Every time I decided that it wasn’t worth it anymore - probably because I had met another guy - you would roll your eyes, like you knew it was bullshit, and tell me not to come back next time.
But we both knew that I would. I knew just how to ply you with excuses that it wasn’t you, it was me and that I just wasn’t good enough for you.
The truth of the matter was: It was me and I wasn’t good enough for you.
It’s taken me awhile to get here. It’s taken me treating you like you belonged on the back burner and then watching you fall in love with someone else.
You were too good for me. You were always there, with open arms and kind smiles, no matter what I had done to you.
You were the light at the end of every bad relationship. I was so stuck in my own life that I didn’t realize that I was destroying you.
It’ll take me a lot to admit that I fucked up. I saw you as a silver medal and kept striving for that gold, when all I’d ever really deserved was some lousy participation metal when I knew that silver was my color all along.
I fucked up with you, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life wondering why I let the guy I needed get away.
I’m sorry, and you never deserved to be my second choice.