She knows she's not depressed but it sure feels like it. Because she loved him so hard that now she feels empty without him.
It's like she's incapable of letting him go because her mind is still stuck on him and everything he was to her. She can't stop worrying about him or caring about him or wondering what he's doing.
She feels absolutely and entirely consumed by him and he's not even her's anymore. He couldn't care less whether she dropped off the face of the earth or not, and that's what kills her most.
And truthfully, she can't help but give in when she wants to text to him or call just to hear his voice, but she refuses to continue allowing herself to do this.
Because every time she picks up her phone to see if he's actually taken notice to the text message she just poured her heart into, every time she hopes for him to say just one thing to indicate to her that he isn't heartless, and every time she shows she's care... she's letting him win.
That was what motivated him to take advantage of those strong feelings that consumed her because he knew he could. Without even realizing it, she gave him the upper hand.
If her feelings are a game to this person - why is she letting him win?
The thing is, she didn't do it on purpose. When a girl's heart and mind and even soul are completely consumed by the love she has for a guy, it's a hard thing to break.
She didn't mean to let him win, it's just her big heart was blinding her from the truth.
But she refuses to give up. She won't let herself become 'that girl.' Instead, she keeps her mind busy and does all the things she wanted to do when they were together that he didn't give the time of day.
And every time she's tempted to pick up her phone she reminds herself that he's not doing the same for her. That she's wasting her own precious moments of her seemingly long life on someone who isn't giving her a second thought.
As much as it hurts to come to terms with these things, she knows it's the truth she has to face. She loves herself enough not to give up on herself.
She promises to put herself first every day for the rest of her life because she deserves it. She doesn't deserve to bottle up her emotions to avoid being a burden to the people who are supposed to love her.
She finally feels safe enough to go to her loved ones and confide in them all of the heartache she's been going through because sometimes all she needs is a little reinforcement and recognition that she's not alone in this.
Life does go on and one day soon, she's going to feel just as incandescently happy as she did before she ever met him.
"I realize there’s something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they’re experts at letting things go."