Every woman needs a blunt friend. You love her most of the time, but sometimes you love to hate her. Some of the time, she straight up hurts your feelings. But eventually you realize that you need her to call you out on your bullsh*t. And who else would make a better blunt friend than Amy Schumer? 

She doesn’t know you, but she gets you. She’ll never lie to you about whether or not those jeans make your butt look weird, or how many guys she slept with last weekend. And most importantly? She will never judge you. These quotes speak for themselves as proof that Amy Schumer is the blunt friend every girl in the world needs. Like, right now. 

1. “All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”

2. “It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work, but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”

3. “In New York I’m, like, a six . . seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, ‘what the f*ck is that?’ Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, ‘Beyonce calls it jelly.’ They were like, ‘That’s cottage cheese, b*tch. Do some lunges.”

4. “I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.”

5. “I’m 160lbs and can catch a d*ck whenever I want.”

6. “In every group of friends, there’s the one who is the sluttiest. If you don’t have that friend, you’re that friend.”

7. “I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet—this is exciting—I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.”

8. “I like to be draped in sweatpants.”

9. “My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you’ll wind up having condom-less sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I’m interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.”

10. “I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.”

11. “The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.”

12. “Can’t I just do nothing?”

13. “You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I’ll be like, ‘You’re going to want to wear this. I’ve had a busy month.’”

14. “It takes me 90 minutes to look this mediocre. 90 minutes!”

15. “I went home with this French guy because he said something adorable like, ‘I have an apartment.’”

16. “I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It’s not true. I’m right where I should be.”

17. “I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story—I will.”

18. “I will speak and share and f*ck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all fo you, and I thank you.”

19. “I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage anf pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.’”

20. “You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask your pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re looking at me, I’m like, ‘You see where my eyeliner is, just give it to me.”

21. “Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty.”