I would love to say I don’t miss you. I would love nothing more than for the thought of you to not keep me tossing and turning at night. I would love it if we didn’t meet in my dreams.
But that image of you is more clear than ever before. You grab my hand and gently touch my face asking me to stay. How I wish I could have.
But for reasons we both knew, we each had souls with journeys of their our own, bound to leave. But not before breaking each other's hearts could we part ways.
My finger still runs across your signature of the card you signed on my birthday and my heart still flutters when I see your photos on my wall.
I think about all of the nights we spent together and what I realize how is I didn’t know in those moments you’d become just a memory. I would have said one more time that I love you.
I would have told you how much good you brought to my life despite the little bit of bad. I would’ve held you tighter and for just a second longer… I would’ve kissed you harder.
They say evaluate people in your life by the saying, is the juice worth the squeeze?
You were tough, but it was always worth it.
So these are the thoughts that consume me as I lie alone at night in a bed that’s too big for one. I look at my phone and consider going back, but I know we’ve done too much damage to repair any of this.
I wonder did I leave too soon? I wonder if I gave you one more chance would you have become the person I needed.
I thought I was doing this for myself. But there is no state of loneliness greater than that of living without your heart. Because before we parted ways, I gave it all to you.
And it’s like I’m drowning, sometimes gasping for breath and one last bit of air. And even my final moments, of the last words I’d say… it would be I love you.
I still find myself in our place. It is a place I’ve never taken anyone else. I stand there alone reminiscing of the people we used to be.
I wonder, how can a memory so long ago feel like yesterday? Because I’m still so consumed with the past and I wonder is it stunting my growth in the future? But you are like a ghost in my past haunting me in a way that is inviting.
I don’t remember a time when you didn’t consume all I was and all my thoughts.
And while the thought of getting over you seems like something to look forward to, one of the greater fears I have is forgetting you and all we were. Because if I ever actually lost you, I think I would lose myself.
So I don’t know where you are right now. And I don’t know if you miss me. But if you should know one thing, even in your absence and a goodbye that broke my heart, I still love you with every broken piece.
If you come back to me, in another lifetime my love, I promise to never let you go.
“And in time the hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But in every boy I met in the years I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong I'd write you another letter. But I never sent them for fear of what I might find. By then you'd gone on with your life and I didn't want to think about you loving someone else.” –Nicholas Sparks
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