I want so badly to only see the silverlinings... that you're in a better place and I get this beautiful guardian angel watching over me.
But I can only tell myself that for so long before I start to drown in how much I miss you. I get lost thinking about what I would say to you if I could have just one last word, what it would feel like to be held in your arms again.
I replay my favorite memories of us over and over in my memory like a broken record. It kills me remembering all these things because it makes me so happy and so pissed off at the same time.
Why couldn't you stay on this earth? The reality sets in that you aren't coming back. You aren't coming back for the people who loved you more than you loved yourself. You aren't coming back for the people who would do absolutely anything in this world to have one more minute with you.
You aren't coming back. Period. And now all that's left are the memories I have in my stupid head that won't stop spinning.
It's like I'm drunk and the room won't stay still for even a second so I can catch my breath. It's the memories of you that are screaming inside my head and I can't get anything to quiet down.
Closing my eyes only makes it worse and I feel like I'm going to throw up because my stomach can't unknot itself after all of the agony I've put it through.
And when I finally do calm down, I realize I'm just so goddamn empty.
I’ll pretend to understand and play out every cliche and saying they have. “Only the good die young.” Or “It’s a part of God’s plan.” But I wonder, why was it God’s plan to break all of our hearts?
I see so many shitty people walking around that do absolutely nothing to deserve their stay here, and yet you lost your chance. So please tell me, how is that fair?
How is it fair that this human being who shaped me in ways I can't even begin to explain, who showed nothing but unconditional love to every soul they met, and did absolutely everything in their heart for others... was the one who was taken from us?
I don't care how childish I sound, but you did nothing wrong and you didn’t deserve your time to be shortened.
Maybe you figured out a few things before the rest of us. Maybe you were one of those people who didn’t need an entire lifetime to repent their sins, but rather, you beat us to it.
Whatever justifications I can come up with to get me to sleep at night, I’ll take.
Our lives will move on and routines will continue. But there’s always gonna be those moments, where you are supposed to be next to me.
You're supposed to still be here. I'm supposed to be able to go over to your house, or call you because I'm bored, or just see you face-to-face whenever I want. I fucking miss that.
And I hate how much I miss you, because I shouldn't have to. This isn't how life was supposed to happen.
No matter how many times I try to tell myself that 'you're in a better place,' I know it's all a load of shit.
Because you, of all people, you deserved a life full of so much more. And I will always believe that.
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