Author: abigail billings

I had a bad day a very bad day but little did I know things were about to get worse. I woke up in the hospital at 7:30 with no idea what was going on my friend had brought me Subway and I wasn't wearing the clothes I originally had on, I was in God awful paper green scrubs and really confused. The last thing I remember was Facetiming with my cousin in Illinois and that was at 2:30, so what happened in the hours that were missing that ended me up in the Emergency Room.? 

I had apparently decided that I no longer wanted to live. It's no secret I've been battling depression for awhile anybody who knows me knows that I have been through a lot in the last two years of my existence and that it's finally all taking a toll on me. I mean getting kicked out of your parents house, losing two babies, being in an emotionally abusive relationship, having two grandparents that passed away during finals week, and having a new mental illness (bipolar disorder) can wear a person down after awhile. And I was honestly tired of feeling so worthless all the time. Don't get me wrong I am normally a happy go lucky person. I like to have a good time with my friends but something happened over the summer maybe it was getting pregnant for the second time but I didn't want to be around anybody. Ever. I wanted to be left alone and in bed 24/7 it was the only place I felt safe.

Finally my birthday passed. I went out with friends that I had recently made and that was fun but my anxiety kicked in and she's a bitch. I had to be completely drunk to even think about dealing with strangers. Another week passed and the thought of leaving my apartment terrified me completely. I had to make it to counseling though so on that Monday I went. Yeah, it was a bad day. I was in a bad mood and didn't want to be around people at all. After I went to counseling I was able to make it back to my homebase safely. But that's when things took a turn for the worse. 

It was the shuffling of people outside my doorway while I looked up In-patient Facilities to possibly check myself into because I needed a break from life. Then it was the slamming of doors and people stomping upstairs and the smell of weed filling my apartment that I finally snapped. I texted a couple of friends and basically pleaded for them to help me because I couldn't take feeling so down about myself anymore. One of my best friends showed up and took my-cry-baby-self to the ER so I could get some help. Well, that landed me in a Psych Ward and let me tell you it was awful.

They escorted me out of that Emergency Room in handcuffs. IN HANDCUFFS!!!  And put me in the back of the Tahoe and drove me to the police station where it went from just normal handcuffs to a belt that had handcuffs attached to a belt that had to go around my waist. *For those of you that don't know it's a hard bench in the back of a police car and backwards seatbelts and bars everywhere.* It was a two hour drive and it was already late but the cop was cool and he stayed with me until they took me behind double wooden locked doors.

Once inside they searched me, took my phone, wallet, and my shoes. They told me that they were going to be taking my bra from me too since it had underwire in it but the nurse was nice enough to let me keep it on for my stay. Honestly this is the part where I tell you about all the crazy things that had happened but I'm not ready for that just yet. But I will tell you I met a really good friend in there and I met people that I hope I never come across again. I was there for 8 very long days and I thought that there was no end to it. I was having medical issues that weren't being taken care of seriously and I was being sexually harassed by another patient. But in a weird way it saved me.  

“It’s okay if you were doing something illegal I’m not going to arrest you for that. Just tell me what happened…”

August, the time school starts again, which means it’s time to party. Although my night didn’t exactly go the way I planned or well even wanted it to. But that’s what happens when boys take the situation into their own hands because they don’t like the word “NO”. 

I got the “Just come hangout. It’ll be fun I promise. It’s Friday night nobody’s staying in.”  from a guy that I didn’t know that I had met a few times before so I thought “well why not! It’s Friday and he can’t be that bad if he’s friends with him!” but I was terribly mistaken. He said he wanted to cuddle and I had said no I told him I didn’t want anything to happen (I was still seeing my ex boyfriend kind of) and that I would only stay for a little bit. So he came and picked me up. I texted my best friend so she knew I was going to be going out and what not (safety first right?). Wrong so wrong. Even she couldn’t save me from what was about to happen. 

He brings me a drink and in that moment I became the dumb blonde that took a drink from a stranger. Well needless to say I started feeling sick and told him I wanted to leave and he said to follow him where he said I could lie down it was a guest room so I did and fell asleep But it wasn’t a guest room it was his room. Now I don’t know how much time passed from me passing out to me starting to wake up but it happened and I was groggy as hell intact I thought it was a bad dream. 

My hands were tied to the head bored and he was going down on me. Like I said y’all I thought it was a dream. Well the next morning my clothes were on and I felt a little funny and I thought it was from getting high and drinking (I had never smoke pot before that night either) so he took me home I showered and went on to my friends house where he texted me telling me how much fun he had that night before. In that moment my life stopped. He brushed it off by saying I was giggling and awake and that I wanted him to do those things to me. My nightmare from the previous night became real….

In fact that wasn’t a bad dream at all. He said that because I never said no he said it was okay and that he didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to. UMMMM HELLO!!! I stated in text messages before going I didn’t want to do anything sexual. So the next Monday after collecting my thoughts I asked my friend to go to the police department with me and she did so. She’s a god send. I picked up the phone to call dispatch and they got a little annoyed asking if it happened within city limits or if it happened on campus because not they straight up didn’t want to deal with a girl that had too many at a party. 

Once that got settled I was called back to the investigation room. The cop came back and started talking I started crying. I had never felt more violated in my life aside from the first time I was raped. He tried having sympathy he really did but he had said it wasn’t his area. And then he said “there’s not much we can do since you don’t know his last name or his address”. And the look, anybody who’s been through this knows that exactly what I’m talking about. I honestly felt so stupid and I felt like it was my fault even though they have to say “this isn’t your fault” but you can totally tell they think otherwise. 

Nothing ever happened to him in fact I see him all the time at Walmart or at restaurants and it honestly makes me sick to my stomach to know people like him get to be free. Yeah I had a SANE exam done because it’s protocol but nothing will come of it other than proof I’d been touch there. He lives his life carefree and like nothing happened. I on the other hand have a drinking problem that’s now being controlled thanks to therapy. But it’s still not right. Something needs to be done. I wouldn’t wish this pain upon anyone. So if this has happened to you know you’re not alone and go get help.