Author: A. Hazlett

There I was, minding my own business, when they came along. A crush.

Totally uncalled for, totally unfair, and totally unexpected.

Crushes usually happen like that: unexpectedly.

You're just living your life (maybe trying to get over someone else, maybe having a bad day, maybe happily getting on like always) when some person comes out of nowhere. And something in your brain clicks.

And that's it. That's the person your brain is going to feel the need to fixate on until you get them, you lose them, or you ignore them until they go away.

What's so unfair is that nine times out of ten you aren't even looking for someone to crush on. It just happens.

You have no control whatsoever.

And to be honest, crushes are terrifying.

I mean, think about it: this one single person has the ability to make your pulse race, flush your cheeks, give you butterflies, consume the majority of your thoughts…

They may barely know you, and already they have this hold on you.

So now what am I supposed to do?

There're a few options:

1. I could let my already too anxious mind ruminate on my crush.

But obsessive thinking isn't good for anybody. 

2. I could do what most people are too scared to do: "make a move" (whatever that means).

Really, as we hear oh so often, the worst that could happen is them saying no.

But the thought of being denied by your crush after building up the courage to put yourself out there is just as scary as coming to terms with your feelings for them in the first place.

3. I could do absolutely nothing at all.

I could wait it out and most likely regret not taking any initiative and letting them slip by.

And there's nothing like that "what if" feeling to keep you down and constantly make you wonder.

The official definition of a crush is "a passing infatuation" (Dictionary.com).

The real definition of a crush? Someone seemingly unimportant who suddenly becomes a source for some of those little happinesses, deepest fears, most intense longings, and biggest anxieties.

And trust me, there's nothing "passing" about it.

Here we are. Again.

How many times is this now? Four? Five? Too many to count at this point.

I'm lying in bed late at night, and here you are. Trying to worm your way back into the life I'm trying to make without you darkening it up.

Chance after chance I've given you. Round after round of this practically psychotic game we've played.

It always starts and ends the same.

You give me some sort of attention. Make me feel special. Or you just pop up somewhere, unwanted, when I've finally gotten over the last shit you pulled on me, so there you are, in my head again.

And then I fall for it. I fall for the fake sweetness, the over-confident smile, the same old lines with new twists. Thinking that after all the immaturity that you've finally manned up and become a nice guy.

Well. You can only make a girl feel special for so long when all she ends up with is another regret and another chink in her heart's faltering armor.

You can only pull the same shit so many times.

So. News flash, Mr. Perfect: I'm done.

The days of you creeping back into my life only to have you mess with my feelings and my emotions are disgusting, painful history.

My feelings don't need another hormonal idiot to deal with. I'm enough.

My emotions don't need anything else making life more confusing.

I'm not the naive stop along your way anymore, some detour your taking on your journey to find who knows what or who knows who.

I'm not an object to simply stare at or use until it's all used up. Like my only purpose on this planet is to be yours, but only whenever you feel like it.

I'm pretty. I'm trusting. I see the best in people, no matter how many times they fuck up. But I am not stupid.

Being completely alone is better than sitting around and waiting for the next time you're bored.

I'm not your collateral. I'm not your toy. I'm not yours at all.

Another thing I'm quite sure of: Karma's a raging bitch, my friend. And someday, you're going to get it. You're going to get this. You're going to understand what the art of being used feels like.

"You can give them another chance, or you can forgive, let go, and give yourself a better chance."

We all want to be able to say we're strong enough to cut people who aren't good for us out of our lives. To be able to resist giving someone second, third, and fourth chances when you know they don't deserve it.

But when it comes down to it, severing that final tie is a lot easier said than done.

What makes it difficult is the one thing that often comes with your human kryptonite: history.

The good history (memories of all the fun you had together, the times they got you through a difficult time, the way they treated you like no one else would) always outweighs the bad (all the times they left you hanging, the moments where you needed them and they weren't there, the hurt they caused). 

Because even when the bad does come back around, all you do is think, "things were once good and they could be good again." Right?

After chance number two, maybe chance number three: maybe right.

After chance number four: definitely wrong.

So when you're sitting there, feeling angry, sad, alone, and a bundle of other emotions brought on by yet another instance where they messed up, you have to ask yourself: How many more times can I do this?

How many more times can I forgive and forget?

Now, remember: you are allowed to forgive. But there comes a time when you can't forget anymore. 

When you can't give someone permission to start the cycle over again whenever they feel like it's convenient for them to bring you back into their life.

It's time for you to forgive and let go.

You can give yourself permission to move on from the circle you've been running in for weeks, months, maybe even years. 

To make room for things that bring long-term positivity and long-term happiness, not a short-term pleasure with that aftertaste of self-doubt.

"I love you" is the hardest thing to say to someone for the first time. It requires an immense amount of vulnerability and uncertainty.

Summoning enough courage to say those three words of eight letters takes days, weeks, or even months

But one of the easiest things to say to someone?

"I hate you."

"I hate you" can be used in a number of ways.

You're friend makes you a little angry or does something completely typical. "Ha-ha-ha, I hate you."

You're mom doesn't let you go out with your friends because you're grounded. "You're the worst! I hate you!"

You're boyfriend tickles you. "Stop it! I hate you!"

But do you actually hate your friend or your mom or your boyfriend? No, you don't. It's just something to say.

What you really mean when you say "I hate you" like that is "I'm annoyed with you right now but I'm still keeping you around" or "I'm pissed at you and need to be away from you right now."

Very rarely to we actually hate people.

"Hate" has some pretty intense synonyms: abhor, despise, loathe, animosity, hostility, venom, resentment. And it should. It has a pretty strong meaning to it.

To really, truly hate someone is to dislike them so much that you want them out of your life forever. To never have to see, hear, deal with them again.

So when you say you hate your mom or your boyfriend or your friend, do you really want to never see them again and have them out of your life? No, you don't.

Even though it means the exact opposite, "love" also has an intense meaning. But it's so much harder to say "I love you" out loud to someone.

There's also a strong belief that there's a very fine line between love and hate, which is totally true.

Think about it: Both are intense feelings, positive or negative, towards someone else.

It's so much easier to say "I hate you" because when most people have a lot of thoughts and feelings jumbled up in their head that they can't sort out, they panic.

And what does instinct tell us about situations dealing with panic, or danger? The fight or flight response.

And when it comes to feelings, most people like to fly.

So instead of "I love you" (the fight response) coming out, "I hate you" (the flight response) takes its place.

So the next to time you want to say "I love you," are you going to fight? Or fly?

When we cannot find the words ourselves, there is always someone who can beautifully write them for us.

how is it so easy for you / to be kind to people he asked // milk and honey dripped / from my lips as i answered // cause people have not / been kind to me (pg. 11)

he was the first boy / to teach me my body was / for giving to those that wanted / that i should feel anything / less than whole (pg. 12)

you / have been / taught your legs / are a pit stop for men / that need a place to rest / a vacant body empty enough / for guests but no one / ever comes and is / willing to / stay (pg. 13)

you pull the lump / in your throat out / with your teeth / and say fine / numb really – midweek sessions (pg. 14)

she was a rose / in the hands of those / who had no intention / of keeping her (pg. 18)

every time you / tell your daughter / you yell at her / out of love / you teach her to confuse / anger with kindness / which seems like a good idea / till she grows up to / trust men who hurt her / cause they look so much / like you – to fathers with daughters (pg. 19)

if i knew what / safety looked like / i would have spent / less time falling into / arms that were not (pg. 21)

sex takes the consent of two / if one person is lying there not doing anything / cause they are not ready / or not in the mood / or simply don't want to / yet the other is having sex / with their body it's not love / it is rape (pg. 22)

the idea that we are / so capable of love / but still choose / to be toxic (pg. 23)

you pinned / my legs to / the ground / with your feet / and demanded / i stand up (pg. 25)

you have sadness / living in places / sadness shouldn't live (pg. 27)

trying to convince myself / i am allowed / to take up space / is like writing with / my left hand / when i was born / to use my right – the idea of shrinking is hereditary (pg. 29)

you tell me to quiet down cause / my opinions make me less beautiful / but i was not made with a fire in my belly / so i could be put out / i was not made with a lightness on my tongue / so i could be easy to swallow / i was made heavy / half blade and half silk / difficult to forget and not easy / for the mind to follow (pg. 30)

the art of being empty / is simple / believe them when they say / you are nothing / repeat it to yourself / like a wish / i am nothing / i am nothing / i am nothing / so often / the only reason you know / you're still alive is from the / heaving of your chest – the art of being empty (pg. 33)

our bodies touched / by all the wrong people / that even in a bed full of safety / we are afraid (pg. 36)

i struggle so deeply / to understand / how someone can / pour their entire soul / blood and energy / into someone / without wanting / anything in / return – i will have to wait till i'm a mother (pg. 46)

he says / i am sorry i am not an easy person to want / i look at him surprised / who said i wanted easy / i don't crave easy / i crave goddamn difficult (pg. 56)

i do not want to have you / to fill the empty parts of me / i want to be full on my own / i want to be so complete / i could light a whole city (pg. 59)

love will come / and when love comes / love will hold you / love will call your name / and you will melt / sometimes thought / love will hurt you but / love will never mean to / love will play no games / cause love knows life / has been hard enough already (pg. 60)

he asks me what i do / i tell him i work for a small company / that makes packaging for – / he stops me midsentence / no not what you do to pay the bills / what drives you crazy / what keeps you up at night // i tell him i write / he asks me to show him something / i take the tips of my fingers / place them inside his forearm / and graze them down his wrist / goose bumps rise to the surface / i see his mouth clench / muscles tighten / his eyes pore into mine / as though i'm the reason / for making them blink / i break gaze just as / he inches toward me / i step back // so that's what you do / you command attention / my cheeks flush as / i smile shyly / confessing / i can't help it (pg. 62)

how do you turn / a forest fire like me / so soft i turn into / running water (pg. 65)

you look like you smell of / honey and no pain / let me have a taste of that (pg. 66)

your name is / the strongest / positive and negative / connotation in any language / it either lights me up or / leaves me aching for days (pg. 67)

you talk too much / he whispers into my ear / i can think of better ways to use that mouth (pg. 68)

on days / like this / i need you to / run your fingers / through my hair / and speak softly – you (pg. 72)

i need someone / who knows struggle / as well as i do / someone / willing to hold my feet in their lap / on days it is too difficult to stand / the type of person who gives / exactly what i need / before i even know i need it / the type of lover who hears me / even when i do not speak / is the type of understand / i demand – the type of lover i need (pg. 74)

i always / get myself / into this mess / i always let him / tell me i am beautiful / and half believe it / i always jump thinking / he will catch me / at the fall / i am hopelessly / a lover and / a dreamer and / that will be the / death of me (pg. 81)

you said. if is it meant to be. fate will bring us back together. for a second i wonder if you are really that naive. if you really believe fate works like that. as if it lives in the sky staring down at us. as if it has five fingers and spends its time placing us like pieces of chess. as if it is not the choices we make. who taught you that. tell me. who convinced you. you've been given a heart and a mind that isn't yours to use. that your actions do not define what will become of you. i want to scream and shout it's us you fool. we're the only ones that can bring us back together. but instead i sit quietly. smiling softly through quivering lips thinking. isn't it such a tragic thing. when you can see it so clearly but the other person doesn't. (pg. 84)

don't mistake / salt for sugar / if he wants to / be with you / he will / it's that simple (pg. 85)

he only whispers i love you / as he slips his hands / down the waistband / of your pants // this is where you must / understand the difference / between want and need / you may want that boy / but you certainly / don't need him (pg. 86)

you were temptingly beautiful / but stung when i got close (pg. 87)

the woman who comes after me will be a bootleg version of who i am. she will try and write poems for you to erase the ones i've left memorized on your lips but her lines could never punch you in the stomach the way mine did. she will then try to make love to your body. but she will never lick, caress, or suck like me. she will be a sad replacement of the woman you let slip. nothing she does will excite you and this will break her. when she is tired of falling apart for a man that doesn't give back what he takes she will recognize me in your eyelids staring at her with pity and it'll hit her. how can she love a man who is busy loving someone he can never get his hands on again. (pg. 88)

you have spent enough nights / with his manhood curled inside your legs / to forget what loneliness feels like (pg. 91)

you whisper / i love you / what you mean is / i don't want you to leave (pg. 92)

that's the / thing about love / it marinates your lips / till the only word your / mouth remembers / is his name (pg. 93)

it must hurt to know / i am your most / beautiful / regret (pg. 94)

i didn't leave because / i stopped loving you / i left because the longer / i stayed the less / i loved myself (pg. 95)

you mustn't have to / make them want you / they must want you themselves (pg. 96)

did you think i was a city / big enough for a weekend getaway / i am the town surrounding it / the one you've never heard of / but always pass through / there are no neon lights here / no skyscrapers or statues / but there is thunder / for i make bridges tremble / i am not street meat i am homemade jam / thick enough to cut the sweetest / thing your lips will touch / i am not police sirens / i am the crackle of a fireplace / i'd burn you and you still / couldn't take your eyes off me / cause i'd look so beautiful doing it / you'd blush / i am not a hotel room i am home / i am not the whiskey you want / i am the water you need / don't come here with expectations / and try to make a vacation out of me (pg. 97)

the one who arrives after you / will remind me love is / supposed to be soft // he will taste / like the poetry / i wish i could write (pg. 98)

if / he can't help but / degrade other women / when they're not looking / if toxicity is central / to his language / he could hold you / in his lap and be soft / honey / that man could feed you sugar and / douse you in rose water / but that still could not / make him sweet – if you want to know the type of man he is (pg. 99)

i am a museum full of art / but you had your eyes shut (pg. 100)

the thing / worth holding on to / would not have let ho (pg. 102)

when you are broken / and he has left you / do not question / whether you were / enough / the problem was / you were so enough / he was not able to carry it (pg. 103)

love made the danger / in you look like safety (pg. 104)

you treat them like they / have a heart like yours / but not everyone can be as / soft and as tender // you don't see the / person they are / you see the person / they have the potential to be // you give and give until / they pull everything out of you / and leave you empty (pg. 106)

i had to leave / i was tired of / allowing you to / make me feel / anything less / then whole (pg. 107)

you were the most beautiful thing i'd ever felt till now. and i was convinced you'd remain the most beautiful thing i'd ever feel. do you know how limiting that is. to think at such a ripe young age i'd experienced the most exhilarating person i'd ever meet. how i'd spend the rest of my life just settling. to think i'd tasted the rawest form of honey and everything else would be refined and synthetic. that nothing beyond this point would add up. that all the years beyond me could not combine themselves to be sweeter than you. – falsehood (pg. 108)

i don't know what living a balanced life feels like / when i am sad / i don't cry i pour / when i am happy / i don't smile i glow / when i am angry / i don't yell i burn // the good thing about feeling in extremes is / when i love i give them wings / but perhaps that isn't / such a good thing cause / they always tend to leave / and you should see me / when my heart is broken / i don't grieve / i shatter (pg. 109)

i came all this way / to give you all these things / but you aren't even looking (pg. 110)

the abused / and the / abuser – i have been both (pg. 111)

i am undoing you / from my skin (pg. 112)

it wasn't you i was kissing / – don't be mistaken // it was him on my mind / your lips were just convenient (pg. 113)

i was music / but you had your ears cut off (pg. 115)

i will not have you / build me into your life / when / what i want is to / build a life with you – the difference (pg. 117)

you are snakeskin / and i keep shredding you somehow / my mind is forgetting / every exquisite detail / of your face / the letting go has / become the forgetting / which is the most / pleasant and saddest thing / to have happened (pg. 119)

you were not wrong for leaving / you were wrong for coming back / and thinking / you could have me / when it was convenient / and leave when it was not (pg. 120)

we began / with honesty / let us end / in it too – us (pg. 123)

i don't know why / i split myself open / for others knowing / sewing myself up / hurts this much / afterward (pg. 125)

people go / but how / they left / always stays (pg. 126)

love is not cruel / we are cruel / love is not a game / we have made a game / out of love (pg. 127)

i am confident i am over you. so much that some mornings i wake up with a smile on my face and my hands pressed together thanking the universe for pulling you out of me. thank god i cry. thank god you left. i would not be the empire i am today if you had stayed. (pg. 132)

i am losing parts of you like i lose eyelashes / unknowingly and everywhere (pg. 135)

i am water // soft enough / to offer life / tough enough / to drown it away (pg. 137)

what i miss most is how you loved me. but what i didn't know was how you loved me had so much to do with the person i was. it was a reflection of everything i gave to you. coming back to me. how did i not see that. how. did i sit here soaking in the idea that no one else would love me that way. when it was i that taught you. when it was i that showed you how to fill. the way i needed to be filled. how cruel i was to myself. giving you credit for my warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because you recognized it. as if i was already not these things before i met you. as if i did not remain all these once you left. (pg. 138)

i will tell you about selfish people. even when they know they will hurt you they will walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don't want to miss out on. you are too much shine to not be felt. so when they have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer. when they have taken your skin your hair your secrets with them. when they realize how real this is. how much of a storm you are and it hits them. // that is when the cowardice sets in. that is when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of what they are. that is when they lose every fighting bone in their body and leave after saying you will find better than me. // you will stand there naked with half of them still hidden somewhere inside you and sob. asking them why they did it. why they forced you to love them when they had no intention of loving you back and they'll say something along the lines of i just had to try. i had to give it a chance. it was you after all. // but that isn't romantic. it isn't sweet. the idea that they were so engulfed by your existence they had to risk breaking it for the sake of knowing they weren't the one missing out. your existence meant that little next to their curiosity of you. // that is the thing about selfish people. they gamble entire beings. entire souls to please their own. one second they are holding you like the world in their lap and the next they have belittled you. but the moment they sense fear. they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace. as if the human heart means that little to them. // and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn't it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do to pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss. and this is how you lose her. – selfish (pg. 140-141)

to do list (after the breakup): // 1. take refuge in your bed. / 2. cry. till the tears stop (this will take a few days). / 3. don't listen to slow songs. / 4. delete their number from your phone even though it is memorized on your fingertips. / 5. don't look at old photos. / 6. find the closest ice cream shop and treat yourself to two scoops of mint chocolate chip. the mint will calm your heart. you deserve the chocolate. / 7. buy new bed sheets. / 8. collect all the gifts, t-shirts, and everything with their smell on it and drop it off at a donation center. / 9. plan a trip. / 10. perfect the art of smiling and nodding when someone brings their name up in conversation. / 11. start a new project. / 12. whatever you do. do not call. / 13. do not bed for what does not want to stay. / 14. stop crying at some point. / 15. allow yourself to feel foolish for believing you could've built the rest of your life in someone else's stomach. / 16. breathe. (pg. 142)

the way they / leave / tells you / everything (pg. 143)

perhaps / i don't deserve / nice things / cause i am paying / for sins i don't / remember (pg. 147)

the thing about writing is / i can't tell if it's healing / or destroying me (pg. 148)

do not bother holding on to / that thing that does not want you – you cannot make it stay (pg. 149)

you must enter a relationship / with yourself / before anyone else (pg. 150)

accept that you deserve more / than painful love / life is moving / the healthiest thing / for your heart is / to move with it (pg. 151)

it is a part of the / human experience to feel pain / do not be afraid of it / open yourself to it – evolving (pg. 152)

loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself (pg. 153)

you are in the habit / of co-depending / on people to / make up for what / you think you lack // who tricked you / into believing / another person / was meant to complete you / when the most they can do is complement (pg. 154)

do not look for healing / at the feet of those / who broke you (pg. 155)

if you were born with / the weakness to fall / you are born with / the strength to rise (pg. 156)

perhaps the saddest of all / are those who live waiting / for someone they're not / sure exists – 7 billion people (pg. 157)

stay strong through your pain / grow flowers from it / you have helped me / grow flowers out of mine so / bloom beautifully / dangerously / loudly / bloom softly / however you need / just bloom – to the reader (pg. 158)

i thank the universe / for taking / everything it has taken / and giving to me / everything it is giving – balance (pg. 159)

it takes grace / to remain kind / in cruel situations (pg. 160)

fall / in love / with your solitude (pg. 161)

there is a difference between / someone telling you / they love you and them actually / loving you (pg. 162)

you tell me / i am not like most girls / and learn to kiss me with your eyes closed / something about the phrase – something about / how i have to be unlike the women / i call sisters in order to be wanted / makes me want to spit your tongue out / like i am supposed to be proud you picked me / as if i should be relieved you think / i am better than them (pg. 164)

to be / soft / is / to be / powerful (pg. 166)

you deserve to be / completely found / in your surroundings / not lost within them (pg. 167)

i know it's hard / believe me / i know it feels like / tomorrow will never come / and today will be the most / difficult day to get through / but i swear you will get through / the hurt will pass / as it always does / if you give it time and / let it so let it / go / slowly / like a broken promise / let it go (pg. 168)

i love that about us / how capable we are of feeling / how unafraid we are of breaking / and tend to our wounds with grace / just being a woman / calling myself / a woman / makes me utterly whole / and complete (pg. 169)

my issue with what they consider beautiful / is their concept of beauty / centers around excluding people (pg. 170)

accept yourself / as you were designed (pg. 172)

your body / is a museum / of natural disasters / can you grasp how / stunning that is (pg. 173)

losing you / was the becoming / of myself (pg. 174)

other women's bodies / are not our battlegrounds (pg. 175)

you were a dragon long before / he came around and said / you could fly // you will remain a dragon / long after he's left (pg. 178)

i want to apologize to all the women / i have called pretty / before i've called them intelligent or brave / i am sorry i made it sound as though / something as simple as what you're born with / is the most you have to be proud when your / spirit has crushed mountains / from now on i will say things like / you are resilient or you are extraordinary / not because i don't think you're pretty / but because you are so much more than that (pg. 179)

i have / what i have / and i am happy // i've lost / what i've lost / and i am / still / happy – outlook (pg. 180)

if the hurt comes / so will the happiness – be patient (pg. 182)

we are all born / so beautiful // the greatest tragedy is / being convinced we are not (pg. 183)

the world / gives you / so much pain / and here you are / making gold out of it – there is nothing purer than that (pg. 185)

how you love yourself is / how you teach others / to love you (pg. 186)

you / are your own / soul mate (pg. 189)

some people / are so bitter // to them / you must be kindest (pg. 190)

most importantly love / like it's the only thing you know how / at the end of the day all this / means nothing / this page / where you're sitting / your degree / your job / the money / nothing even matters / except love and human connection / who you loved / and how deeply you loved them / how you touched the people around you / and how much you gave them (pg. 194)

i want to remain to / rooted to the ground / these tears / these hands / these feet / sink in – grounded (pg. 195)

you have to stop / searching for why at some point / you have to leave it alone (pg. 196)

if you are not enough for yourself / you will never be enough / for someone else (pg. 197)

you must / want to spend / the rest of your life / with yourself / first (pg. 198)

my heartbeat quickens at / the thought of birthing poems / which is why i will never stop / opening myself up to conceive them / the lovemaking / to the words / is so erotic / i am either in love / or in lust with / the writing / or both (pg. 200)

what terrifies me most is how we / foam at the mouth with envy / when others succeed / but sigh in relief / when they are failing // out struggle to / celebrate each other is / what's proven most difficult / in being human (pg. 201)

your art / is not about how many people / like your work / your art / is about / if your heart likes your work / if your soul likes your work / it's about how honest / you are with yourself / and you / must never / trade honesty / for relatability – to all you young poets (pg. 202)

give to those / who have nothing / to give to you – seva (selfless service) (pg. 203)

you split me open / in the most honest / way there is / to split a soul open / and forced me to write / at a time i was sure i / could not write again – thank you (pg. 204)

"Since those heady days I heard an adage that seems to apply here: 'Hurt people hurt people.'"

"Hurt people hurt people more skillfully. An expert heartbreaker knows the effect of each incision. The blade slips in barely noticed, the pain and the apology delivered at the same time."

"So in order to feel something through the numbness, I decided to perpetuate on my soul and hers the equivalent of quenching cigarettes on my paralyzed limbs. My hope was that if I registered pain, it would be welcomed as a sign of life."

"My logic went as follows: If someone hurts you, then you automatically want revenge. It doesn't matter how long it takes, you want revenge."

"Romance has killed more people than cancer. Okay, maybe not killed, but dulled more lives. Removed more hope, sold more medication, caused more tears."

"You might as well argue with a mirror as argue with each other. After all, aren't we all really the same person?"

"Maybe there is a law after all. Of nature. Like gravity. An unwritten axiom that governs out emotional dealings. What you do comes back to you in twice the force – fuck it, three times the force. We are not punished for our sins, we are punished by them."

"The pain involved in a premeditated broken heart would easily compare with a case of assault, and yet no court of law would recognize it as a crime. A broken arm heals."

"I don't care."

"I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm far more interested in symmetry."

"They say you're not punished for your sins, you're punished by them."

"If I saw someone across the street who did the things to me that I routinely do to me, I'd run in the opposite direction. But I can't, can I?"

"It's funny how after we decide we don't like someone, we can find reasons to support our decision, and equally the other way around."

"Love, hate, what's the difference?"

"What's a romance without anger, tears, and woe?"

"I read somewhere that when someone is in emotional shock, the area around the heart loses some of its protective fat and is therefore dangerously exposed. One well-aimed punch is not just painful; when the person who has been in shock starts to put the weight back on, the heart remains bruised, and this can lead to aortic fibrillation. It's not life threatening, but it is uncomfortable."

All you see is the amount of privilege believed to be in her life, when all she wants is the world to see that she’s a person underneath all the stuff.

1. Just because her parents show their love with money, doesn’t mean she feels that love at all.

Material love only goes so far. And money can only buy so much.

Yes, she has her own car. Yes, she gets gifts on every holiday. But does that really mean anything? No.

She wants to be loved just like everyone else, and money can’t buy that from any store.

And like her parents, all she knows is how to show love with the material, and every day she struggles to figure out how to really show people how she feels with words instead of things.

2. If you say “you don’t deserve to feel sad or depressed because you get everything you want” one more time, don’t expect her to be there for you when you need it.

You should never invalidate someone’s feelings, especially if it’s because of something as simple as the amount of material things they have in their life. For someone really struggling with something emotional, the last thing they want to hear is that they’re wrong for feeling that way.

Feelings are never wrong. Feelings are meant to be felt. No matter how much money is in your life.

3. Newsflash: she doesn’t actually get everything she wants.

Despite popular belief, she doesn’t get everything she wants without even lifting a finger. She has to work and try and fight just like you.

Success, happiness, love, life aren’t things just handed to people. They come to people that try.

So stop with the assumptions of her “privileged” life. She’s trying to live just the same as you. Dealing with struggles just like you.

"i want to remain so / rooted to the ground / these tears / these hands / these feet / sink in" – Rupi Kaur, milk & honey

The day I turned 20 years old, it was like something clicked in my brain: Enough of the completely "high school" bull.

1. I don't need validation from other people.

No more are the days of asking permission to be who I am. I don't need someone who isn't me telling ME how I should be living MY life.

If I want to stop talking to someone because they negatively effect my mental health, I'm going to. Because I'm not obligated to sacrifice my own happiness and mental well-being to keep someone else satisfied.

If I want to feel sad all day, I'm going to. Because I'm not going to invalidate my own feelings to be less of a bother to someone.

Searching for validation I'm never going to get is not getting me anywhere I want to be.

2. The past is the past, so I'm going to leave it there where it belongs.

If you're going to bring up something that happened years ago for the 30th time, I don't want to hear it anymore.

It happened. It's done. I'm moving on.

Nothing is going to change what's already happened, so I'm letting things stay in the past instead of letting you constantly try to pull me back into it.

3. If there's a problem, I'm going to talk about it or forget about it.

No more beating around the bush. No more dancing around a possibly argumentative conversation. If there's a problem, I'm going to want to talk to you about it.

Sub-tweeting, giving backhanded compliments, and talking behind someone's back are for 15-year-old drama queens, not young adults moving through some of the most important, best years of their lives.

Let's be real: Life's too short to be petty.

4. I don't need to change who I am in order for someone else to want me in their life.

By this point, I am who I am. There are very few things I can change about myself. So no more trying to become someone else's vision of the "perfect human," if there is such a thing.

Love (friend love, romantic love) is going to come to me from the people it is supposed to come from.

Trying to "fix myself" is impossible because there's nothing that needs to be fixed. And I know there are people who are going to see that because I've already started to find them.

5. There's only me in my future.

Despite popular belief, I'm controlling my future. Not a big man in the sky, not my boss, not casting agencies, not my mom. ME.

There's my and only me in my future first. My goals and My dreams are first. 

I can't worry about the things I can't control. Whether or not someone is going to stay with me forever, other people's thoughts of me, other people's actions and behavior are not my problem. My problem is how I'm going to make that big little dream I've had in my head since I was 10 years old come true.

Now is not the time to beg for validation, worry about the past, and make everyone else happy.

Now is the time to be unapologetically ME.