Author: AbriAna

"I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame." – Jenna Morrow

I wish I wanted to stop, but I don't. I wish I could lose another twenty pounds, but I can't. I wish I loved me the way she loves me, but I don't care to. 

You see me as the smallest girl in the room. At least that's what people remind me of on the daily basis. In fact, they say I'm too skinny. But if they saw the roll on my stomach that I saw this morning, they wouldn't say the things they say. 

And what they don’t realize is when they say these things, it just makes me hate myself even more. I know the truth they can't clearly see. They have their own definition of ‘skinny.’ 

They think any size that’s three sizes smaller than their own is skinny. That’s funny because that’s not what skinny means to me. 

I swear I was fine until I saw that marvelous creature chew her food and spit it back out. I watched her with this enticing dedication to chew a full meal without swallowing one piece. I was so jealous. 

She's so skinny and beautiful and right before my eyes, she was telling me how to be just like her. 

My fat rolls remind me they’re deprived when my stomach rumbles. That's when I know I'm doing the right thing.

When I barely have the energy to walk half a block because I've barely eaten in two days, that's when I know I'm doing the right thing.

When I choose a liquid for breakfast that's when I know I'm doing the right thing. 

I wish I could smoke the calories away without my lungs giving out. But I care too much about my lungs to let them give out. 

So I just remind myself, one less bite is one step closer to success. And I promise I’ve got this under control.

I’m not the same person I was last year. 

In the beginning, I wasn’t sure if I was okay with this or not. Eventually, I wasn’t okay with it. I tried to hunt for the girl I thought I used to be. I was afraid that if I lost her, I would lose my existence. 

The girl I left in my past wasn’t spectacular or amazing. 

Everyone loved her, but I detested the very existence of the person. She made me miserable. She was so fake at times she didn’t know who she was even when she was alone.

It didn’t happen overnight, but the realization finally hit that it was okay to throw that girl away. 

It was a slow progression but eventually, the shackles of the past were no longer holding me down. 

I felt like someone sinister had died and I could finally breathe. It’s like that moment when your evil ass grandparent dies and everyone is thinking Jesus she or he finally kicked the bucket

I don’t want to hang out with the same people anymore. 

I don’t care about my friends' bullshit because it’s pointless. I could be rude and say I don’t care but who wants the backlash of that. I opt for slowly distancing myself. 

I don’t want to talk to my old friends because they lack substance. I don’t want to spend countless hours socializing with half ass laughs acting as if I can relate. I want to tell them I have no idea. My mind has secretly drifted far away within seconds of the conversation.

I can’t relate to anyone anymore and it’s hard.

It’s not because I don’t want to…it’s just that I don’t know how to. They can't try and understand me. Because even I don’t understand me. 

I’m still evolving into this new self. 

I thought I would miss you over the holidays but that feeling never came. I thought I would get the opportunity to feel the longing of hearing your voice but sadly it never came. In the beginning, I believed the distraction of friends, family and work hide my feelings of longing. 

Than when I finally had a moment to think without the chaotic mess of the holidays. I still didn’t think about you. Within a moment of time I forgot you existed and the guilt that I feel for that is more than what I should.  I shouldn’t feel guilty about forgetting someone who thinks I owe them something because they were there for me.

I’m not sure if this feeling of forgetting you is because my mind has been entertained by another pretty face. Could it be that I dream about her at night?  Maybe all the things I’ve mentioned are contributing factors of why I’m slowly forgetting you.

Yes I’m guilty of sending you the traditional Merry Christmas text and you replied with the standard holiday text. I never originally wanted to send you that text to begin with. I felt guilty about forgetting you which is something you never knew about. So, I thought if I made you believe I still think about you from time to time I had to say Merry Christmas.

I thought my liberated feeling of dumping you would eventually wither away. Now there’s no doubt in my head that I made the right decision. You never saw me the way I wanted you to see me.

This holiday season I’m truly over you and that’s one gift I don’t have to thank Santa for.

I’m sorry I stopped loving you after I promised you an eternity. We haven’t been arguing and yet like a light switch I’ve turned you off. I wish when I explain this to you the lie of it’s me not you won’t escape my lips. I pray it’s on a day when you believe your god’s gift to earth than you’ll find every reason to believe the lies coming out of my mouth.

Since I don’t have the heart to tell you to your face I’ll write it out and hope one day if you read this you’ll understand it all. When I first fell for you I believed it was true love. I believed you were my one true chance of a normal stable relationship full of happiness. As time progressed you brought me stress and I started to secretly hate you. I didn’t know this at first.

I should have listened to my own warning to you when I said you were too young for me. I told you that I would tear you apart and eat you up. I had patience with you because I know you haven’t lived life the way I have. I thought I could train you and mold you into an adult. I’ve come to realize that’s not okay and I shouldn’t have to do that. It’s unhealthy and very controlling.

There’s no other way to stop your disrespectful behavior of your inappropriate sexual comments about my friends. I can’t stop you from being so stubborn because you think you know everything. I can’t make you realize you’re not the end all to all. I can’t give you around the clock attention like you’re the child I haven’t birthed yet.

I can’t keep shifting things in my life because you don’t like it. I’m my own person and I worked hard to get to this point in my life. I’m going to dress how I wish. I’m going to watch three hours of KUWTK if I desire to because that’s my guilty pleasure and not yours to dictate. I’m going to listen to the music I want to because it’s what I want and not worry about you throwing a temper tantrum.

 You want to keep up these childish behaviors you participated in with the past jokes you’ve dated. I’m still growing as a young woman myself. I’m reaching a point in my life where the things I found okay six months ago, are not the things I find okay today. You may understand one day if you must go through the same counseling I go through is that you realize certain things in your life can no longer carry on.

This may come off as selfish but I can’t continue to carry your issues on top of my own. I didn’t sign up to be your therapist. I wanted to be your lover. I hate the fact when I see you call I don’t know what to expect so sometimes I chose not to pick up. I know you’ll believe the usual lie of I’m busy with school.

I love you and you have become one of my best friends and I hope you wish to remain my best friend but if not I completely understand. I’ll give you all the time in the world you need. Even if we never speak again. I wish for you to someday look back and whisper to yourself “now I understand.”

And if you ever come to find out what I’ve been secretly desiring please know she isn’t the reason for my distance. She’s a distraction from the problems I didn’t want to face with you. I can’t leave you with a final thought of if we’re met to be than we’ll be because it’s just a poetic way of softening the blow.

You’ve done a lot for me and I’ll never take that credit away. While that doesn’t mean I owe you the rest of my life to show my gratitude.

“Fear is not real. It is the product of thoughts you create. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice.”

As Americans during one of the most important presidential elections there’s nothing but focus on making America great again. Should we place our fear in these foreigners supposedly invading our country. Should they not have the right to enter the melting pot of the land of the free. I don’t find myself afraid when I close my eyes at night. My fear lies within my eyes when I’m wide awake looking at the American soil surrounding me. 

My feet soak up the soil and my skin tastes nothing but blood. Within this soil I call home I no longer feel safe surrounded by my neighboring people. We have become animals in America hunting each other down brutally murdering each other. What we call to protect us is now the leading cause of what’s killing us. 

This is not a sudden race war that’s sprang up over night. Rather Americans eyes are finally being opened to what has been real but hidden for years. I question if it’ll remain a race war when the opposite side is losing numbers day by day  being attacked by the same demons who’ve hunted minorities down for years. 

When did it become okay to live in fear knowing if you were in need of help. That help may kill you without batting an eyelash.

When we stop caring about racial and religious background than that’s when we can stop killing each other. 

When we stop treating Muslims like trash because politics like to capitalize on terrorism and we make them feel wanted than maybe we’ll be safe again. 

We have developed a fear of becoming another country’s prey by refusing to let suffering refugee women and children into our home so they can be safe. We are afraid of them when we have failed to realize we’re already the prey and little do you know your neighbor is the predator  

Americans have become their own virus that’s vastly spreading.

If you love me, then why are you letting her come between us? 

I know she’s your best friend but I can’t have a relationship with you when she’s whispering in your ear about why she hates me…

From sun up to sun down you remind me how much you adore me. You worship the ground I walk on yet you continue to hurt me by keeping her around. You believe I’m only mad when little do you know I’ve been far passed mad for way too long. 

I stood by you and patiently listened to everything you disliked about life. When no one else understood I did and not once have I let you feel ashamed for your actions. 

With the last strand of patience I have, I continue to feed into your bullshit selfish excuse of keeping the poison in our lives. Is it that your ignorance or are you choosing to ignore the effect she has on us?

I once thought it was funny but I’m no longer laughing. Would you find this funny if the roles were reversed? I know you wouldn’t so please stop smiling. 

I totally understand that she’s your best friend and I truly did want her around but not like this. I once told you before me and you became an us that she was going to ruin any chance of happiness you could potentially have… little did I know it was my happiness that she was ruining. 

It is not my choice to put her in her place but if so be it than I will. This is supposed to be your responsibility. 

We both know if I were to take matters into my own hands then you would probably hate me forever. 

Even if I lose you by putting my foot down then it’s worth standing up for myself because I would have left eventually anyway. 

Before you continue breaking my heart entertaining the bullshit antics of the person who was once your past… Please realize that I am now your present and possibly your future. 

Please don’t make me walk away because we fought too hard to be together to let her tear us apart. 

“Giving someone a piece of your soul is better than giving a piece of your heart. Because souls are eternal.” –  Helen Boswel

I didn’t believe in soulmates until I looked in the mirror and realized you were my reflection. It’s a cliche corny Disney term only meant for the hopeless romantic. 

You thought the term was as much as a joke as I did until the plates shifted beneath our feet. The harder we fought it the more obvious it became gravity wasn’t going to pull us apart. 

Without quit excepting reality I refused to say the S word as your ears already established they weren’t equipped to receive it. Of course only in our backwards little heads we say to each other you’re my 

Spider-man and I’m Superman as if that makes more sense than simply saying soulmates. Saying soulmates is like poison on my tongue but I love you never leaves an aftertaste. 

Why does it sting so much to say two simple words? Was it because my soul mate made a past commitment to marry someone else until she found me? Or possibly I knew I didn’t wanna openly admit I’m more than likely going to lose my other half to her past commitment. 

Unfortunately I believe in taking chances but sadly you’re not as reckless as I am. This last chance I’ve taken has possibly led me to the best mistake I’ll ever make. 

It’s easier to say I love you because love is always lost and burned. It’s easier to accept love lost than admitting the one you’re meant to spend eternity with has removed themselves from your life. 

She tells me if it ends than she’ll come back for me but I can’t hold my breath for that. 

Why should I believe that when she already chose to abandon her Superman once? Just because we’re soulmates doesn’t mean I have to wait around for you to continuously break my heart until you realize I’m more suited for you than she is. 

Just know if you choose to leave me and come back I wont be here waiting for you.