Working out: Motivation is a liar. Here are a few reasons why:

Fitness Motivation or Determination?

I am not a motivated person. There isn’t much that gets me out of bed to do fasted cardio 5x/week other than simply knowing I made a promise to myself. To me, motivation has an expiration date. When something simply doesn’t sound good – it’s so easy to just say “I’ll do it tomorrow.” Well, guess what…tomorrow generally comes and with that comes another excuse on why shit doesn’t get done.

Discipline is the mindset that I have to keep, period. Discipline reminds me of the promise I made to myself on the days when I’m not feeling it. I have to do it. That’s all there is to it. So, here’s a list of a few reason why discipline will always outweigh motivation when it comes to working out, health and wellness. I hope this helps someone out there who lacks the drive to just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and just get it done.

1. I don’t like being sweaty.

TMI, but I’m a hot mess of sweat when I work out. It doesn’t really matter what my workout is – I’m just sweating. If my workout happens later in the day and I still have plans or things to do that evening, I hate having to take the time to do personal hygiene, shower again, reapply makeup …and all the things a girl has to do to feel and look presentable. But I do it. I made a commitment to myself, for myself. I feel better after the workout is done (90% of the time, anyway), and I know I’m doing a service to my health and wellness.

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My Final Letter To The Man Who Left Without Saying Goodbye

You left without saying good-bye. The one thing you promised you would do when you left…and you didn’t. By this point, I feel like I should be devastated…I should be so far broken and beneath the surface that the thought of rebuilding myself and climbing out isn’t an option. My God, you almost killed me, rhetorically speaking. Our whole shit show of a relationship almost killed me. My hopefulness for love and life in general, was almost lost again. Almost. Our last conversation was bad, but I didn’t know that’d be the last one. You put so much of the guilt you carried on me, like it was my fault…like I was to blame for the choices we made.

But it’s ok. I can’t speak ill of you. I won’t ever. I won’t ever say a negative thing about you. It was still real…every word we spoke to each other, every kiss and every intimate moment. Every sleepless night, whether it was spent beneath the sheets or just laughing about any and everything…it was real. But you’re not the one for me, and I’m clearly not the one for you. I told you this would either be a lesson or a blessing. But it was both.

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Trying To Say Good bye

If I counted how many times I’ve tried to say “good-bye” to you I would probably be close to publishing a book. I think it’s important, though, to document; to write out how we feel…in any circumstance. Who knows, maybe this will turn into a book. A book of good-byes. A book of saying the same thing over and over again, yet maybe in a different way so I could hope for a different result. But the first thing we learn in psychology is if we always do what we’ve always done, then we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. I’ve seen you a handful of times in passing recently…petty, irrelevant exchanges were all we had.

Is that all we have left? Me, being barely able to make words when I pass by you. And you, a quick wave and a hello. You seem more confident than I am, but I think that’s my own false perception. I have a text message just sitting in our text exchange just waiting for me to push send on. There’s no question that I’ll eventually send it, but my mind thinks there’s a better time for it. How silly. It says I miss you. And it says I am not handling this very well. It says I am sorry. All three of those statements are honest and true. I do not know how you will respond, and I think the reason why I won’t push send is because I’m clearly scared of the response.

What am I doing? Just push send. I know what I need from you, and part of me is scared to ask. It just needs to become real.. I need you to tell me that you want nothing from me. And I need you to tell me that you have zero feelings, emotional or otherwise towards me. I need you to tell me that you’re going to live your life and never think of me again. And I need to know that I mean nothing to you.

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Today I Lost You, And I Am Not Sorry

Today I Lost

I lost you today. Yes, I lost you. I lost you without really ever knowing if I had you. And I’m going to give myself some grace as I try to get these words out. You’re going to be a tough one, period. Because I knew from day 0 that I was never going to win…how could I? And I need you to believe that I accepted that. But I still went for it, I had too.

Experience

Because I had to know you, I had to experience you. And my cliché response to it all – I don’t regret a single thing. Do you know that I love you? I almost blurted it out one of the last times we were laying next to each other and just laughing. I just remember being in that moment and feeling happiness and love that I haven’t felt in years, and I just wanted to tell you that I loved you right then, but I didn’t.

You Cared

I might never know how you truly feel about me, and I understand why. But I’d like to believe you cared. Actually, I know you did. And I know a part of you fell for me, even if you caught yourself. I know in this moment we’re not meant to be. I want to get over you and move on. I also want to know that you’re unconditionally happy. Nobody said that this would last forever, but I would have done anything to try to get there. But for today, I just want you to be happy.

Grateful

I can’t describe how lucky I feel to have gotten the time I had with you. You are an amazing human being. I hope you remember me, and the time we had together. I hope you know how much joy and pleasure I felt from you. I hope you felt it too. We were good, like really good. I hope you see yourself as I see you…for who you are, the compassion in your heart and that, ‘bring me to my knees’ smile.

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I Knew Goodbye Was Coming-An Open Letter

Time Never Seems To Be On My Side

I stand in the shower and sing the lyrics to different songs. While I may be off key, I know the words to the songs are not. Those lyrics are words that I can’t generate on my own, but they’re words that speak to my soul in just the way they’re supposed to. While I wonder why time never seems to be on my side, I hear the words and I sing along, “nobody said that it would last forever, that doesn’t mean we didn’t try to get there.” Then, in that moment, I can remind myself of the time God gave me with you, and at the very least, try to convince myself that it was only meant to be a season.

No Words..

I’ll sit in front of my blank piece of paper and try to make words flow like beautiful poetry. The words don’t come out, and whatever words do get written down are quickly erased…and then I hear the words, “head in my hand, cold coffee on the table. I wish you the best, I would if I was able.” It stings a little less knowing that sometimes the words just won’t come out.

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