Author: Alexandria Brown

Hey Brother Bear

I can pretty much see your face right now as you start to read this. Probably at your desk listening to the new Adele obviously. I think somewhere along the way I stopped telling you how much I look up to you in almost every single way. I bet it gets old sometimes, always wearing a red cape in my eyes, as if you could never do anything wrong. But you’re human and I forget that sometimes. I need to tell you some things I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while. We both know I’m a better writer than verbalizer.

You’ve influenced almost every decision I’ve made, even if you don’t know it.

You probably don’t remember (because you have the memory of a goldfish) but one time you said you wanted to get a degree in communications or journalism. You are an accountant so clearly you didn’t do that but I have a degree in communications.

When I was deciding what I wanted to do with my life, your love of sports came into my mind. As someone who always liked playing sports, I never imagined a life in which I worked for a baseball team. But in the end I did (and loved every second of it) because I really wanted you to think I was cool. Hell I joined a fantasy baseball league so we’d have even more in common. Mostly though it was so I could beat the boys.

I’m proud of you.

I am so proud to claim you as my brother. I get a weird pride feeling when people ask me if I’m your sister. Also the person that I’ve watched you turn into, a loving boyfriend and successful professional, makes me realize and hope that anything is possible in my own life. You’re pretty awesome.

I hate it when my friends call you hot.

Sure you’re a good looking guy. I mean we’re cut from the same cloth and I’m pretty good looking myself so it’s bound to happen that a few of my girlfriends will make comments on your looks. I hate it. Thanks for never dating any of my friends.

You’re stupidly funny.

Sometimes it takes me a second to get your jokes because they’re always witty and smart. As soon as I do get them the same thought goes through my brain, “How the hell did he think of that?” When someone calls you quiet, I laugh because I know that as soon as you open up, everyone around you is going to want to hear the hilarious one liners you have. Especially the ones about mom.

You’re my hero.

One of mom’s friends one time asked me why I talked about you like you walked on water. It’s because in my mind you do. You always have. There was a time when I wondered if we were going to be the kind of siblings that just stop talking. But we talk almost every day whether in the form of cute puppy pictures or songs that we need to tell each other about. It’s the best part of my day.

I freaking love you.

It’s true. Every time I go to leave to travel back to my new hometown, I almost tell you but there is something holding me back. Must have something to do with my need to always look tough. But I love you so much.

My life wouldn’t be anywhere near to what it is if you didn’t exist. I’m almost scared to wonder what would have happened to me if you weren’t there helping me pave my way. So thank you for reading my articles, listening to my boy troubles and for being my big brother. I’d be so lost without you.

Love always,
Al

I always thought there was  something romantic about fighting for someone, about winning them back,  eventual happiness. But as I sit here with stones in my chest, where hope used  to lie, I have come to realize that there is nothing lovely about having to continuously  convince someone to love you – S.L.

I think letting something go is probably one of the hardest things we all have to do eventually. I don’t only mean with romantic relationships. It’s hard to admit failure no matter what the situation is. There have been many times with friends, boyfriends and jobs that I have held on way longer than I should have.

But we all do that. Especially when it comes to love. As a natural born fighter, I’ve been the person trying to convince other people to love me since the day I came into the world. For some reason I have always thought that I had to almost trick someone into liking me because genuine love would never be something I’ll get. I just wasn’t the lovable kind. So I’d sell myself (not actually) to anyone who passed by in order to feel some kind of love.

The worst part was that I was always trying to convince myself to love me. Do you know how hard it is to sell something to the most resistant buyer in the world? I’ve made some pretty awful decision when it comes to love. It all stems from the fact that for a long time I couldn’t love myself. Even now I struggle.

I’ve dated married men. Phew. That feels like a weight lifting. I’ve dated them because it was an ego boost. The worst kind of ego boost but it did the trick for a while. People often think because of this that either my dad wasn’t around or my parents weren’t good parents. Both of those things aren’t true. I don’t have dad issues, my mom is my best friend and my family is one of those good ones many people dream they have.

I think this is why people don’t really understand why I made the decisions I made in the past. I was always good with being the girl who was around for a minute instead of a lifetime. Late night phone calls were the way I lived my life for a good portion of my 20s. It was as empty as it sounds but it also gave me a feeling of wholeness. How contradictory I know but it’s true. It filled the need for ego but it didn’t fill the role of love.

I’ve also realized that forced love is not love. As much as we wish we could make the person we love turn around and love us right back, we can’t. Would you really want someone you had to convince every day to love you or would you rather meet someone who just does?

Then it hit me, I didn’t need to convince everyone else to love me, I needed to start loving me. I needed to start looking in the mirror and recognize myself as someone who deserves my love. I needed to start taking care of myself. There was nothing that someone else could give me that I couldn’t give me. I needed to start to focus on fighting for myself.

Being broken doesn’t mean unfixable. It means that you have to start somewhere and try to glue back the pieces. It’s great if you have someone to help you but you know how the broken pieces fit together better than anyone. You alone know how to make yourself feel whole.

Can we all take a quick second and really be honest with each other? I’ve heard a lot of women say ‘I just want men to tell me the truth’ or ‘I hate that he just disappeared without an explanation.’ These are all valid wants but when a guy is honest I’ve heard women then say ‘well he’s an asshole.’ Why? Why do we ask for honesty but then get super offended when we get it? Because really we all want the same thing and that’s love.

We really don’t want someone to be honest, we just want to someone to feel the exact same way we’re feeling. We want to always be on the same page as the other person. We’re selfish because we want them to just agree with our feelings and feel them too. This causes problems because oddly enough as humans we all have different emotions and different attractions.

I’m no better. I’m not saying anything above that I haven’t done myself. I am in one word; a hypocrite. I’ve experience both and I was no more or less angry at either scenarios. It’s because anger is a secondary emotion to hurt. If we can blame the other person then we don’t have to look internally because who the hell wants to do that? Work on my issues? No thanks. That sounds like work and I have an aversion to work.

If you’ve read any of my pieces over the last while, you’ll know that I recently had my heartbroken. I mean if you follow my Twitter or Facebook it’ll be pretty evident there too. The thing is that this guy did exactly what I had always asked the Universe for; honesty. But I fucking hated the honesty. I hated it because it was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear. I find I want honesty as long as everything is coming up Milhouse for me.

As soon as someone starts to tell me what I don’t want to hear then either they’re an asshole or they just don’t get it. I know I know. I’m the asshole in this situation. But I know I’m not the only person who has the same initial reaction. As soon as we calm down we realize that maybe we’re getting exactly what we asked for; honesty.

Ultimately I am honesty’s biggest fan. There’s no guessing when it comes to honesty. You just know where you both stand even though it might not be the way you had hoped. But if I’ve learned anything with love is that it’s going to be subpar until you meet the one person who blows you away. Then that person is going to honestly love you.

What I guess I’m trying to say is that honesty is always going to be the way to go. Even if you’re the person on the end where you have to tell someone you’re not feeling it. Three months down the road if you’re just being ‘nice’ or ghosting that person, it’s going to hurt them a hell of a lot more than if you just told them off the get go.

So let’s all revert back to those Grade One teachings and remember that honesty really is the best policy.

Have you ever thought about every mistake you’ve ever made in your life? I mean sat down and just thought about every cringe worthy moment you’ve had? No? Just me? I relive those less than perfect moments on more than one occasion and wonder if all those mistakes me make a bad person. Cheated on a test? Yep. Told someone I loved them when I didn’t? Definitely. 

I’ve repeated the same mistakes way to often in my past. But the past is just that a past. We all have them. We all have less than ideal situations where we should have picked option A but we ended up going with option B. 

Why? Well it’s because we’re all wait for it… human. We make mistakes and we end up hurting people all the time even when we don’t mean too.

I think it’s what we do after we make those mistakes that make us who we are. Like I said I’ve done some pretty shitty things to a lot of people. 

If I could ask for forgiveness from them all then I would but that’s just not feasible anymore because time changes everything. My only solace is the fact that I can’t undo what I’ve done but I can control what I do going forward.

Show me a person who can cast judgements on anyone because they themselves have no faults and I’ll show you a liar. There is no such thing as a perfect person. 

They don’t exist. And if they do then they’re as rare as a unicorn. Because of this fact alone I try my very hardest to not judge someone on their past especially if they’re making the steps to improve themselves.

It all comes down to one thing; forgiveness. Like I said I wish I could go and ask for forgiveness from the people I’ve really hurt (and there’s been quite a few) but it just won’t work now. Either too much time has passed or I don’t even know where they are anymore. So what do you do? What is the perfect end to this scenario?

Forgive yourself. Sounds simple right? No it’s not. It’s actually harder than asking for forgiveness from another person. Forgiving yourself means acknowledging that you did something wrong and that you’re going to attempt to change. 

Truly forgiving yourself takes a hell of a lot of work. It’s not something you can just say and it’s just done. You have to find a way that works for you that will allow you to let go of the negative things you’ve done.

For me, in order for me to forgive and heal myself, I write about it. I write about the less than ideal situations I’ve put myself in because I’ve fucked up but it’s not ultimately who I’m going to be. 

I’ve learned more in the bad times than I have in the good. I’ve written about my less than great qualities and it’s helped me process why I’ve been that person and why I’ll never again be that person.

Someone once said to me, “Nothing you say to me could change my mind about you.” He said that because he knows who I am now and not who I was then. 

It’s so easy to judge someone on one past interaction then trying to understand what they’re going through in that moment. Having someone tell me it’s OK for me to be me made it easier for me to move on from what I’ve done.

Forgive your past. Forgive the people who’ve wronged you. Ultimately forgive yourself. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. Everyone. So give yourself a break. We all need that too.

I think it’s so important to talk about when you’re struggling. Right now I am struggling. I’m struggling with who I am, what I want and what I’m not.

I’ve been actually focusing on what I’m not a lot lately and how this makes me feel like I’m not measuring up to other peoples standards. I preach self-love but my own has been wavering lately.

Here’s what I’m not. I’m not ever going to be under 6 feet. I’m never going to be a size 2. I’m never going to be able to deny a hamburger. I’m not the most emotionally open person.

I’m not the person who cries at sad endings in movies. I’m not the person who often talks about their vulnerabilities because being vulnerable scares the shit out of me. While this is a pretty small list of things I’m not, I focus on these things on a regular basis like it’s an evil mantra.

How come when things start to get hard or we start to lose our way that we ultimately fall back on a list of things we’re not? How many times have you told yourself you’re not good enough because of this list? If you’re anything like me then it’s a lot.

As soon as I start to fall for someone these insecurities start to creep up and fester. They start to taunt me and tell me that I am not good enough for the person I am interested in.

Ultimately these words seep into my conversations and make the other person see the wounds I try to hide under the surface.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Because if you’ve been telling yourself the same mantra for the span of your lifetime then changing that thought pattern is going to be the most difficult thing ever.

The good news is that you can change your thought pattern. I know what I’ve just written might seem foreign but it’s true. You can change it. It takes a lot of work but you can do it.

How? Small tweaks to the everyday language that rotates in your mind. When you look in the mirror don’t focus on all the small imperfections but instead focus on everything that you’ve got going on today.

Great hair day? Praise yourself. Beautiful smile? Tell yourself out loud. It’s not shallow to give yourself compliments. In fact you should be giving yourself compliments on a regular basis.

I have an alarm that goes off every day at different times that reminds me I’m worth something.

Some people would consider it sad that I need to remind myself but like I said it’s hard to undo the negative mantras we’ve been telling ourselves for the last however many years.

I also make sure that when that alarm goes off it’s got a song that makes me smile. So today at 2:26 PM I smiled because One Direction’s ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ reminded me I was worth something.

So here’s what I am. I’m smart. I’m funny. I have a mouth as bad as an angry trucker who just got cut off.

I love people unconditionally. I have a ton of kinks to workout but I’m dedicated to fixing them. I’m open and understanding. I want people to feel comfortable and encouraged.

I listen to people when they’re at their lowest because everyone needs someone to listen without judgement. 

We focus so much on what we’re not we forget what we are. I promise you if you start to think about all of the good you have to offer it’ll get easier to silence the voices poisoning you with all the negative.

All you have to do is start taking baby steps and eventually you’ll be making leaps and bounds towards positivity.

My love life has been anything but easy. As someone who loves hard that means I also fall hard. I know I’m intense and I know that often times someone cannot reciprocate the same intensity. But that doesn’t stop me from trying because the day I stop trying is a day worse than death. Deep down in our souls we know that love is one of those things we need to fight for and I always will.

I constantly thought that I was hard to love or that I wasn’t deserving of love because I wasn’t enough but I’ve learned that’s not true. I have issues I still need to work on but I don’t need another person to heal those in me because I can heal those myself. I don’t need someone to fix me because I’m working on fixing myself. Recently I’ve been through some shit but it doesn’t snuff my spirit. Nothing can ever do that because that would mean that I’ve given up on myself.

Things don’t work out all the time whether it’s a new career, relationship or even with friends and that’s okay. That’s okay because the reason things don’t work out is because in some ways it wasn’t right for you in the first place. Whether its fear or anxiety or any other outside factors, sometimes things just weren’t meant to be.

I fought a long hard fight trying to keep things together that aren’t supposed to be and I don’t regret one single second of it. There was no good or bad just something that needed to end and it did. It did and it sucked. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I didn’t feel every ounce of pain that come along with endings. But you have to feel pain in order to know what joy is.

I may have lost this round but ultimately I’ve won. I’ve won because I’ve learned things that I wouldn’t have learned without these hard lessons. I’ve learned my true strength and power. I’ve learned that I can rely on myself to get me through the muddy waters and that I can let others help me get to the other side. I can be vulnerable and let people see my beating heart.

I know what love is because I’m surrounded by people who love and accept me. People who have taught me what it truly means to love all of your faults. They continue to support me and care for me when I’m at my worst. I owe a lot to these people and they know that I’m always going to give them my all; head, heart and soul.

Nobody ever told me that love was hard but no one ever told me it was easy either. We go through tests in our lives to help us define our character and who we’re meant to be. I will always be the person who forgives and lives with no judgements on others because that’s the way I want others to treat me. We will eventually all be able to free ourselves from all the pain we hold on to. I know it because I’ve lived it.

I still have a lot of work to do and new issues that pop up in my life all the time. These issues I will continue to look at as lessons because I have to keep learning in order to keep growing. My advice to you is to always forgive, always learn and always love. Even if those three things are difficult, keep doing them. You will find your true happiness because I know I eventually did.

Betty Everett and Cher said it best when they said, “If you wanna know if he loves you so it’s in his kiss.” This is hands down true in all cases with me. When I want know if I really, truly like someone then I have to kiss them. I have to try at least. This doesn’t mean I go around asking people to kiss me but it does mean that until I kiss someone I’m not fully sure I like them.

I usually know if it’s going to be a good kiss before it even happens. There’s signs early on. If we catch each other’s eyes and can’t look away, like a magnetic attraction then usually the kiss is awesome. Or when someone traces one of my tattoos with their fingers and it leaves goosebumps along my skin, again it’s another good sign that the kiss is going to end with explosions in my head.

But what is in a kiss? For me, everything. It all has to start and end with a kiss until the very last day I stand. Kisses can breathe new life into you. Kisses can take a friendship to a level you never thought existed. It can lead to teenage make out sessions that make you feel alive again. Best of all, it can lead to a love that you want to write about.

The worst is when you think a kiss is going to set the tone to a fully passionate relationship but falls flat. Like your body knows that this isn’t going to end well for you. They can be an incredibly nice person but if there’s no chemistry, no initial rush after that first kiss then the chances of it growing are slim. Not impossible but not likely.

Chemistry and connection can grow. They can definitely, hands-down can grow. I know this from experience. When I am initially attracted to someone, I’ll do everything I can to talk myself out of it. I believe sometimes that chemistry is one sided but that’s completely untrue as well. If you feel it when you look into someone’s eyes, chances are they’re feeling it too. It’s a feeling that reaches the coldest part of your soul and sets it on fire. You can’t deny good chemistry no matter if it happens initially or after getting to know a person’s true self.

Like I said before, I can pretty much talk myself out or into anything especially when it comes to men. But there’s one thing I can’t deny and that’s a really amazing kiss. Let me clarify, I’ve kissed some pretty great kissers in my life and it’s been average. There has been two people in this world that when I kissed them my whole world slowed down while my heart rate accelerated. My brain went blank (and if you know me then you know what a feat that actually is). The best was that neither less romantic than the other because of the people who they were with.

I think that emotions can make something good or bad. You can make out with some truly gifted kissers but if there’s nothing really there then it’s going to suck. I’m not trying to belittle any of the people I’ve kissed since but there wasn’t the same raw emotion behind them as there were with the two best kisses of my life.

Ultimately it comes down to who you are with. It doesn’t matter if they’re someone you’ve known for a while or someone you’ve just met, sometimes you just know when it’s going to be a great kiss. It doesn’t matter what those kisses led to in the end, all that matters is that they made me believe in the kind of love that fairytales are written about.

I love my friends and family more than people can fully grasp. Sometimes I’m too intense when it comes to friendships but I want to be the person that people can depend on. When I decide to make someone my friend, I will have a hard time letting them go. If you let me, I’ll be your friend for the rest of your life. Here are a few things you can expect from our friendship.

I’m a little overbearing

I will admit that there are times when I’m a little much but it’s really because I care. Just like that mom who wants her kids to get into a good college, I sometimes try to steer my friends towards certain outcomes but it’s because I only want what’s best for them. I don’t want to see them get hurt even though getting hurt is a part of life.

I will always tell you the truth

Even though it sucks to hear sometimes, I will always give you a truth shot to the gut. There is a lot of dishonesty in this world and I don’t want to add to it. We will disagree sometimes but I am not going to lie to you. You deserve the truth and I will promise you, no matter how hard it is, I’ll give it to you straight.

I feel your pain

When your heartbreaks, mine does too. Watching my friends go through break ups, friend strife, job dissatisfaction etc, really, really, really hurts me too. I want all my friends and family to be happy all the time so whenever you’re going through tumultuous times I’m going to feel it with you. I probably won’t have the best advice but I will always listen.

I’m loyal to a fault

My friend can be being a dick and I can say that they are but if you’re not a close friend and you say something shitty then be prepared for a talking to. I will always stick up for my squad because I know that they all have my back too. We may fall out of touch from time to time but if you need me, no matter what, I’ll be there.

I will love the shit out of you

I will love you as much as I can. I try to tell my friends (guys and girls) on a regular basis, that I love them. They have been there for me through the high and low times. They read my articles. They pick me up when I’m down. And they deserve to have someone love the shit out of them. So if you decide that you want me in your life, be prepared to be constantly reminded that you mean a lot to me.

I didn’t always have great relationships so when I found the smart, loving and wonderful people I call my friends, I decided that they weren’t going to lose me easily. There have been times, like all relationships, where things get hard and we say things that we don’t mean but if you are important to me then I will fight for you. I will text you if I haven’t heard from you. But most of all, I will love you no matter what.

The sexiest thing that anyone can do is follow through. If someone shows up for me then you sure as hell bet I’m going to show up for you. Why is it that following through on our word is becoming harder and harder? This realization comes on the heels of being stood up. It wasn’t a traditional stand up where they just didn’t show; it was the kind where he said he was coming but then didn’t. Ouch right?

Then I started to panic. He must have been hit by a car. His text said he was walking over. He’s dead. He’s definitely dead. When I said this theory to my friends they laughed. There was no way he was dead. And they were right. He was fine. I started to blame myself. I pushed him too hard to come to something he didn’t want to come too. He felt obligated and this was his way of backing out without hurting me. I should thank him.

No. No way am I going to thank the coward who couldn’t tell me he didn’t want to come. I realized that if I thought by saying hey there’s this thing I want you to come too was pushy then I’m a super pushy person all of the time. He made the decision to tell me he was coming then followed it up by texting me to even confirm. He had a lot of chances to take an out and he didn’t. All and all, I was his plan B and I am not ever going to be someone’s plan B.

Following through on your word is one of the most amazing gifts you can give someone. You don’t need to buy them diamonds or take them on fancy trips if you’re going to show up every damn time. I don’t limit this to just romantic relationships. You should show up for your friends. You should show up for your family. You should also just show up for yourself.

Ultimately the person not showing up will probably have no idea the impact they have on you. They will assume that everything’s fine even if it isn’t. The person not following through will have no idea that you listened to Taylor Swift on repeat for three hours while playing the scenario over and over in your head. The chances of them not feeling bad are high and the chances of them apologizing are low.

I’m not scared of falling in love. I’m mostly scared of falling in love and then losing that person because that’s worse than being alone. I’ve gotten good at being alone. Vulnerability is something that’s uncomfortable and scary but exhilarating and freeing. I hate opening up to someone because there is a high chance that it might not end the way I hope but there is a slim chance that it will.

That slim chance is what keeps my faith in love. I’ve seen the slim chances work out for my friends, family, colleagues and it makes me know that if there’s even a sliver of a chance that it’ll happen for me then I’m going to keep taking the risk. People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and I will fully believe in that till the last day of my life.

Maybe being stood up taught me quickly that he wasn’t the one for me. Maybe it taught me that I had blinders on in the beginning. Maybe it taught me I need to slow my feelings down. I don’t know if I ever can though because once I’m all in, I’m all in. No matter if it’s too soon, I’m going to fall hard and fast because that’s just who I am. And I’m OK with that.

I don’t know if I could ever give you anything as amazing as what you’ve done for me. When you walked in that night at the pub with your friends and sat down at the table with my friends and me, I gave you no credit. I had written you off before you even began to speak even though your blue eyes shook me to the core. I was coming off one bad almost relationship, a confusing hook up and had just recently been sent a Snapchat of my ex and his fiancee. Combine that with my new “I don’t give a fuck attitude” I wasn’t exactly a peach.

But it took you two small gestures to make my hard shell melt into putty onto the floor. Not only did you make sure I was taken care of, you were genuinely interested in things I had to say. You asked me about each one of my tattoos, complimenting the story behind all of them. You got me water when my stomach started to turn after the fourth highball I had chugged. You gave me butterflies I thought had long flown away.

I’m a talker but when I meet someone new I usually like to get to the core of them and deflect those hard personal questions. You wouldn’t let me do that though. You answered my questions but then twisted it around so that I was the one doing most of the secret revealing. When I told my mom, she was even shocked when I admitted that you had gotten to see parts of me no one had taken a look at for a while.

My jaw started to shake the longer I sat next to you because those butterflies were starting to give me anxiety. I was scared you weren’t going to like the person I am. When you asked me if I was cold and I admitted that it was my anxiety, you grabbed my hand and said, “we got this.” Three words never sounded so beautiful in my life.

Not only are you physically gorgeous, your soul is one of those things that unicorns are made from. I have a great father and brother, so I know what good men look like and how they act but I had forgotten that outside of my immediate family these men existed too. You, sir, are one of those amazing men. You did things for me not because you wanted to get into my pants but because you wanted to ensure that I was OK.

You managed to make me feel beautiful even without saying the words (though you did that too). When you left that night and gave me just a hug with no expectations of more, my heart jumped into my throat. I was ready for you to turn complete f*ckboy but you didn’t and for that I owe you an apology.

I actually owe you a ton of apologies but the biggest one is that I judged you before I had even gotten to know you. The next day I was ready to run into you and have one of those awkward small talk conversations but again you blew me away when you wanted to know how I was doing. Then you hit me with a knockout punch when you started to ask me more personal questions.

It’s funny because these things may sound so little to you and I know they do because when I told you how much I appreciated everything you did, you shrugged and smiled like it was no big deal. But it was a big deal to me. You were even stoked when I gave you my card when I was waiting for a lukewarm reception.

While I have no idea which way things are going to go, I do know this. You give me that warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach that I haven’t been able to access for a while. Whatever happens you’ve restored my faith that great men exist and that I should never, ever judge someone before I get to know them. So thank you. You’re the best.